Tesla Introduces 'Dog Mode', Climate Control For Your Dog When The Engine Is Off, Along With A Message That Your Pet Is Safe

February 14, 2019

This is a short video demonstration of Tesla's new 'Dog Mode', a feature that regulates a preset temperature you've choose inside the cabin when you step out to do something, and displays a message ("My owner will be back soon. Don't worry! The A/C is on and it's XX°F") on the car's large center console for passers-by letting them know your pet is safe. It is quite possibly the best automotive feature since the seat belt, which my car doesn't even have because I drive a spaceship. It does have automatic climate control for my dogs though, which is necessary since a lot of time they're the ones driving anyways while I nap in am empty rocket booster. *puts 'DOG IS MY COPILOT' and 'DOG IS MY PILOT' shirts on dogs, pets them both on the head* Just go anywhere, I don't care.

Keep going for the whole video.

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Giant 36-Ounce Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Tiki Mugs

February 14, 2019

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In other drinking out of things news comes these Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Tiki Mugs from Mondo. The mugs come in two styles, standard ($50) and bone finish ($55), and each holds a whopping 36-ounces of rum and fruit juice. So -- what's your favorite tiki cocktail? I like the giant blue one that's served in a fish bowl and set on fire. The place I go to won't serve one to less than two people but I just tell them my friend is in the bathroom then slam it before they realize the very clever ruse I've perpetrated. Granted they usually ask me to leave afterwards, like I wasn't going to leave on my own after pounding 64-ounces of white rum and blue curaçao anyways.

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How Whimsical: Reusable Elephant Drinking Straws

February 14, 2019

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Because who hasn't dreamed of drinking out of an animal's nose, these are the Elephant Straws allegedly available for pre-order (minimum order of 12 but there's no price when I put them in my cart so I don't know what the hell is going on I just want my damn straws) from UK online retailer Paladone. The reusable straws consist of two separate segments for easy cleaning, and make it look like there's an elephant at the bottom of your glass of your Juicy Juice or cocktail. No word if the bottom hole is in the elephant's foot or belly, but hopefully it's in the foot so you can actually drink to the bottom of the glass. Otherwise that's just poor product design. And you know how I feel about poor product design. "It makes you angry." Worse *plowing through box of Samoa Girl Scout Cookies* it makes me HANGRY. It's the reason I'm fat. "I don't think you can blame poor produc--" IT'S THE REASON I'M FAT, END OF DISCUSSION.

Keep going for one more shot while I blow bubbles in my chocolate milk and daydream I'm Willy Wonka.

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Coming In Hot: Cruise Ship Crashes Into Two Mooring Platforms And Sinks Them While Trying To Dock

February 14, 2019

Note: Keep your volume in check, wind.

This is a video of the Norwegian Epic cruise ship coming into dock in San Juan, Puerto Rico following some engine trouble at sea, and crashing into two mooring platforms in the process, sinking both. No word if the engine trouble or Captain Rumbeard was to blame, but I feel like I could have easily done just as good a job if not better provided causing as much damage and destruction was the goal.

Keep going for the whole video.

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Oh Wow: A 3-D Valentine's Day Zoetrope Made With Yarn

February 14, 2019

This is a video of the large zoetrope made for Valentine's Day (Happy Valentine's Day, I love you!) by filmmaker Sam Tilson and yarn artist London Kaye that features a volcano dripping hearts down to milk boxes, which in turn squirt hearts from their straws into the cups of coffee below. Cute! But enough about zoetropes -- where are you taking me tonight and how fancy should I dress? Are we going dancing afterwards? That was a trick question, I hate dancing and I'm definitely not dancing with a belly full of steak and lobster. "Settle for Burger King and a co-op Playstation game?" *blushing* It's like you can read my heart as easy as the wall of a bathroom stall.

Keep going for the whole video (which includes closeups of all the elements) while I put my PJ's on and wait for you to show up with the BK.

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Guy Builds One-Man Roller Coaster (Complete With Barrel Roll) In Backyard

February 14, 2019

This is a video of crazy person Will Pemble's journey to build a one-man roller coaster in his backyard (which is actually his fifth homemade roller coaster because everybody needs an insane hobby). The first part of the video focuses on his initial build of the coaster, then the second half deals with the trials and tribulations of trying to add a barrel roll to the ride. After adding the barrel roll, Will has been the only person to ride it (and only once) and says that it's "borderline not safe", which, based on the video, I would argue is actually definitely not safe. Still, give me six beers and $5 and I'll ride it with my hands up the whole time.

Keep going for the whole video, and remember: you don't need crash test dummies if you have beer and idiot friends.

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Goodnight, Sweet Prince: Mission Called On Mars Rover Opportunity After 8 Months Of Silence

February 14, 2019

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Originally landing on the red planet on January 25th, 2004 with a planned mission duration of 90 days but managing to last almost 15 years, the Mars rover Opportunity mission has officially been declared complete by NASA after the rover failed to answer one last call following 8 months of radio silence. *pouring out a little liquor* You will be missed. "That's coffee." No, it's only a quarter coffee.

Due to the 2018 dust storms on Mars, Opportunity ceased communications on June 10 and entered hibernation on June 12, 2018. It was hoped it would reboot once the atmosphere cleared, but it did not, suggesting either a catastrophic failure or that a layer of dust has covered its solar panels. NASA hoped to reestablish contact with the rover, citing a windy period that could potentially clean off the solar panels of the rover. On February 13, 2019, NASA officials declared that the Opportunity mission was complete, after the spacecraft failed to respond to repeated signals sent since August 2018.

Man, a planned mission duration of 90 days that stretched to almost 15 years -- can you imagine if other government projects were so successful? "No." It's hard, isn't it? We can send a rover to Mars that outlives its estimated operation by fifty-five times, but we can't manage to get a single piece of our other shit together. "Life on Mars is sounding pretty nice now." Right? Sit tight -- we're coming, Opportunity.

Thanks to everyone who sent this, several of whom are still holding onto a glimmer of hope that we get a rogue beep from Mars one day in the future.

Dungeons & Dragons 'Stranger Things' Starter Kit Available For Pre-Order

February 14, 2019

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This is the $25 Dungeons & Dragons Stranger Things starter kit available for pre-order (arriving May 1st from a variety of different places including Amazon, the Big Bad Toy Store, Entertainment Earth and more -- just don't pay more than $25 unless you like wasting money). The kit includes everything you need to go on a Stranger Things inspired adventure and is perfect for those looking to get their D&D toes wet. Obviously, you should buy it, then I'll come over and play. I get to the be the demogorgon though. "The demogorgon isn't a playable character." Oh really, because I thought *brandishing stick I sharpened on the sidewalk* that it was. "You can be the demogorgon." Cool, I also get to be zombie Barb on my other turn.

Thanks to Lindsey P, for getting me to spend $25 before I've even had my morning coffee.