All Your Pain In One Video: A Compilation Of Life's Frustrating Situations

April 24, 2019

This is All Your Pain In One Video, a compilation of life's frustrating shared human experiences. We've all been there. Some of us probably more than others, and me most of all. Some might even argue I've been cursed, but those idiots clearly don't know the difference between a hex and a curse.

Keep going for the video while I get even angrier watching it again. OMG that sticker that won't come off!

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How Fast Can A Bear Climb A Tree? (SPOILER: Very)

April 24, 2019

This is a short video of a bear speeding up a tree like it just had an accident and the last roll of Charmin is in the tippy-top branches. And it comes down almost just as fast! So, if you were wondering how quickly a bear can climb a tree, the answer is much, much faster than you ever could. I'd encourage you to remember that the next time you're considering doing a little B and E and subsequent porridge theft.

Keep going for the whole video.

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Quilted Northern Rolling Out(!) New 4-Ply 'Luxury' Toilet Paper

April 24, 2019


Because reinventing the wheel is hard, this is the Quilted Northern Luxury toilet paper coming soon to a toilet paper/paper towel aisle near you. Is it actually going to come in that cat food can? I hope so. The paper was designed with the most lavish of asses in mind, and comes with not one, not two, not three, but FOUR silky-soft layers to clog all your plumbing. A six-pack of mega rolls (allegedly the equivalent of 24 regular rolls) will retail for around $9 when they hit shelves, and I can't wait to try it. It's the little things in life, you know? Of course you have to remember, all toilet paper goes to the same place. "To start a dingleberry colony between your butt cheeks." Exactly. At least until your significant other shakes their head sadly at you enough that you finally scrub real good in there the next time you shower. "Get out of my memories!" You get out of mine!

Thanks to Chase, who agrees the best toilet paper has been and always will be whatever you can steal from a frenemy's home.

What Is Wrong With You?: Man Takes Selfies Hanging Out Car Door At 50MPH

April 24, 2019


This is a video of some not-too-distant future Darwin Award recipient hanging out the passenger door of a Volkswagen Golf to take selfies while traveling around 79km/h (~49MPH). What a jerk. I mean I don't mind if you hurt yourself making poor decisions, but what about other drivers? How are they supposed to feel when they run over your body rolling around in the road? Ridiculous. Now if you'll excuse me....hello, INTERPOL? License plate number 0833 JRN -- the Youtube uploader said it occurred near Fuerteventura in the Canary Islands. Can you go find this man? I mean there's a very good chance he might already be dead, but if not I need you to contact Travelocity and get the deposit back for my cruise to the Canary Islands, because I'm not vacationing anywhere near this man. What? No, of course I didn't purchase the stupid insurance -- listen are you gonna help me or not?

Keep going for the video while I negotiate with the mole people to be able to use their network of tunnels for safe travel.

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A Map Of The Staggering Amount Of Businesses That Disney Owns

April 24, 2019


Note: Actual legible version available at TitleMax (the maker of the map, not owned by Disney -- yet) HERE.

This is The Companies Disney Owns, A Map Of The Walt Disney Company's Worldwide Assets, including industry of business, parent companies, and subsidiaries. You know, I learned a lot by scouring the map. Mostly, if there's a company doing business and you don't personally know the owner, it's probably Disney's.

Thanks to Allyson S, who agrees the best business Disney ever created were those Mickey Mouse head shaped ice cream treats.

Tesla Model S Explodes Into Flames In Shanghai Parking Garage

April 24, 2019


This is a video news report including some security cam footage from a Shanghai parking garage of a first generation Tesla Model S that, having presumably grown tired of the electric car life, decides to do a little *slipping on cool guy shades* internal combustion of its own. And external combustion. It, uh, it burns to a crisp, and Tesla has stated they're now investigating the incident. See? This is exactly why I don't feel safe keeping my cell phone in my pocket. They tell you they're safe -- but you never know. Plus, okay, I did build the phone myself MacGyver style out of a Power Wheels battery and scrap metal. "How does that even fit in a pocket?" Ha, because of my penis? SNUGLY.

Keep going for the news report, as well as a video of just the explosion filmed off a computer monitor (skip to 1:20 for the action).

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Water Spills From High Rise Penthouse Pool During Earthquake

April 24, 2019


This is a video from Manila during the recent 6.3 earthquake that sent water spilling over the side of the Anchor Skysuites penthouse swimming pool. Some more info while I hose the spiderwebs out of my own kiddy pool and drink cooler to get them summer-ready. And where the hell are my tiki torches?:

The building, called the Anchor Skysuites, is relatively new and didn't officially open until 2015. It's one of the tallest buildings in the area and is credited as the tallest building in any Chinatown around the world outside of China.

Manila Bulletin Online published two of the videos on YouTube, showing that the water only makes it halfway down the 625-foot structure before turning into a wind-swept mist.

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: rooftop pools, like airplanes, are unnatural. There's no way any sort of great Creator meant for us to have those things. *Creator notices large hose leading to rooftop, grabs binoculars* What the-- oh come on. I made ponds!

Keep going for the video, which includes two separate angles of the incident, while I'm thankful nobody was playing Marco Polo at the time.

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'You Can't Take My Door', A Song Written By A Neural Network Trained On Country Hits

April 24, 2019


This is 'You Can't Take My Door', a country song written by a neural network that "was trained on all of country's greatest hits." The song was then edited, arranged and performed by humans, and this is the result (the music video was made entirely by a human). Is it a banger? Well it's no 'Truck Dog Beer Jean Boots' or 'Whiskey Bar Woman Fishin' Hole,' but I guess not all neural networks have what it takes to write Country Song Of The Millennium.

Keep going for the music video.

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