Solid Finale: Kid Performs A Roman Candle Routine

July 12, 2019

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This is a short video of a young boy performing a little fireworks routine with a Roman candle. He's got flair -- I'll give him that. He also clearly has a knack for knowing how to end a show, and a lot of television writers could probably take a page from his playbook. "I'm still mad about Game Of Thrones." Hey, I know you are -- but if its any consolation I want you to know from the very bottom of my heart I don't care.

Keep going for the full video, complete with chickens clucking.

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Another Day, Another Person Ricocheting An Axe Back At Their Head At An Axe Throwing Bar

July 12, 2019

This is a video of a guy at one of those axe throwing bars having his axe ricochet off the top of the target and come back at him (previously: this woman's which was even scarier). I like how he sticks out his hands like he's gonna try to catch it -- that's not a good instinct. In his own words before the throw: "You gotta pretend that a bear is coming to attack your mom." Words of wisdom. So apparently if a bear is coming to attack your mom you toss an axe at it, completely miss, and nearly kill yourself. And what are you supposed to do if a bear isn't coming to attack your mom -- step on all the cracks?

Keep going for the whole video, complete with 'Mr Brightside' playing the background.

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Um, Are You Supposed To Be Hauling That?: Tractor Trailer Dragging Traffic Light And Pole

July 12, 2019

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This is a short, poorly shot video of a tractor trailer casually and unintentionally hauling a traffic light and the massive pole it's attached to. And speaking of massive poles-- "Yeah yeah yeah, you have one." *tossing treat on floor* I really have trained you well, you know that?

Keep going for the video, which could serve as part of a master class on how to shoot a shitty video.

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Heck Yeah: Man In Motorized Wheelchair Gets Lifted At Metal Concert

July 12, 2019

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Note: Keep your volume in check.

This is a short video of a man in a motorized wheelchair who was lifted up by members of the audience at a metal show to get a better view of the band. Heck yeah! *waving sign of the horns in the air* Still, it's kind of crazy these people can support the weight of a man AND a motorized wheelchair, but every time I attempt a trust fall with my friends I just hit the ground. "What friends?" I mean sure, that certainly doesn't help.

Keep going for the video.

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Guy Pranks People Trying To Charge Phones With A Realistic Sticker Of An Electrical Outlet

July 12, 2019

This is a video of a guy with an unusual wearing more than one pair of sunglasses at once fetish using a photorealistic sticker of an electrical outlet to prank people trying to charge their mobile devices. They try to stick their plugs in but it's just a sticker -- LOL. I don't know about you, but if I ever try to charge my phone and the plug turns out to just be a sticker I'm yelling at anyone with a camera pointed at me. Oh you think this is funny, Back To The Future II?! I needed to call my grandma in the hospital. Now she's dead and you blew my shot at any inheritance. You owe me a cuckoo clock collection now. That said, I'm totally going to stick one of these fake electrical outlets on the back of my pants and take a lap around the office. "I'll go get a fork." *winks*

Keep going for the full video.

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Damn, Poseidon: Fish Eats Shark Whole During Feeding Frenzy

July 12, 2019

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This is a video from the National Oceanic And Atmosphere Administration's (NOAA) remotely operated vehicle Deep Discoverer some 1,500 feet below sea level off the coast of South Carolina starring a feeding frenzy of small sharks (possibly dogfish) feasting on the carcass of a dead swordfish when a wreckfish uses the submersible for cover, then grabs and swallows one of the sharks whole. Hoho, brutal! Obviously, I just sent this video to the Illuminati as further proof why they should take my petition to fill the oceans with concrete seriously. Granted it will still get denied since they're still honing in on the location of Atlantis in order to use its advanced technology to tighten their grip on humanity, but at least I tried.

Keep going for the video (shark getting eaten starting around 1:25), complete with the live excited scientist commentary we've all come to love and respect.

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A 1994 British Pizza Hut Commercial That Was Aired Entirely In Klingon

July 11, 2019

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This is a short Pizza Hut commercial originally aired in the UK in 1994 that's entirely in Klingon. Apparently it was 'the first completely non-English advertisement on British television.' How about that! It's also clearly still effective to this day too because I just called my girlfriend and asked her if we could order Pizza Hut for dinner tonight. "What did she say?" Oh, you know, something about how she couldn't believe I forgot our anniversary after swearing it wouldn't happen again after last year. "Damn, GW." I think we're going to The Cheesecake Factory now.

Keep going for the commercial.

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Awww: Drunk Man Sends Orphaned Baby Bird To Animal Rehabilitation Center In Uber

July 11, 2019

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Because not all heroes wear capes (or wait until after 5PM to start drinking), a day-drinking man in Ogden, Utah recently sent an orphaned baby (~2 week old) lesser goldfinch that fell out of its nest to the Wildlife Rehabilitation Center of Northern Utah in an Uber since he couldn't drive. Some more info while I start drinking and wait for my opportunity to be a hero. Oooooor fall asleep laying in the shower again:

It took two tries. The first Uber driver backed out, finding the request too odd. But a second one, Christy Guynn, agreed.


She put the little bird in a box with leaves the men gave her.

"The only noise was the chirping," Guynn told KSTU. "I guess he was happy when I turned off the air conditioning off and rolled the windows down a little bit. I definitely think it was a little too cold for him."

"While we feel we've seen it all and can't be amazed by anything, there is always SOMEONE out there to prove us wrong," rehab center workers wrote on Facebook.

Crazy, one minute you're getting drunk in the middle of the day wondering what the hell you're doing with your life, and the next you're saving a life. Funny how life works that way. Life is pretty wild, you know? Happy wife, happy life. Life life life life life toss me another beer clearly God thinks I need a few more before it's my time to be a hero.

Thanks to Irina A, who agrees there's a hero inside all of us (but mine definitely has the coolest costume).