Officially Licensed Full-Scale Jim Henson's Labyrinth Door Knockers

January 18, 2019


These are the officially licensed, full-scale door knocker replicas (both 14-inches wide -- they're big knockers) of the ones in Jim Henson's Labyrinth available for pre-order today from Chronicle Collectibles. Unfortunately they aren't animatronic and don't talk like the ones in the movie, which, for $399 apiece or $625 for a set of two, I think we can all agree they should. Also who even has a front door grand enough for a 14-inch door knocker, and can I come live with you as a pet? "Not a chance." But what if I told you I was the babe? "What babe?" The babe with the power. "What power?" The power to eat out of a dog bowl and do whatever you say, now have we got a deal or what?

Keep going for a bunch more shots, including one with a hand for size reference. I told you they were big knockers.

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What Did I Just Watch?: 'In A Nutshell', A Weird But Impressive Stop-Motion Video That Tries To Capture The World In A Nutshell

January 18, 2019

This is 'In A Nutshell', a stop-motion video created from 3,000 photographs by filmmaker and animator Fabio Friedli of YK Studios that "distills the story of human existence in just under five minutes and delivers a profound and moving thesis on this thing we call life." I mean I guess that's what I watched? Honestly I was just really confused, mostly because I was expecting a pistachio documentary. I love these things. *tosses one in air, leans back to catch, takes it right in the eye* "GW, did you just--" Not another word.

Keep going for the video, but make sure to take a nice pause at 2:45 to stop and reflect on what you've seen so far.

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Awww: Hamsters Racing Through A Five-Level Maze

January 17, 2019

This is a video of two hamsters racing (separately) through a five-level maze constructed out of cardboard by their loving owner and operator of Youtube channel The Secret Life of My Hamster. Who knew hamsters had secret lives? Although, admittedly, I did wonder what they did under those plastic igloos all day. "I'm pretty sure they sleep." OR LEAD SECRET LIVES. "They sleep." Man, I bet I'm getting catfished by hamsters on a dating site right now.

Keep going for the sweet video.

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Say What Now?: Man Admits To Injecting Own Sperm Into Arm To Treat Lower Back Pain

January 17, 2019


Because who says you can't make your own medicine, a 33-year old Irish man has admitted to doctors that he's been injecting his own semen into his arm at least once a month for the past year and a half to treat chronic lower back pain. Now that's a hell of a home remedy. My back would have to be so broken I could see it looking straight forward before I tried that.

While the man had a history of chronic low back pain, a further examination revealed a red rash on his right upper arm - and the patient subsequently admitted he had been injecting himself with his own semen for a year and a half.

"He had devised this 'cure' independent of any medical advice.

"Upon this occasion the patient had injected three 'doses' of semen intra-vascularly and intra-muscularly," it said.

Doctors found that the semen had leaked into the soft tissue in the man's arm.

"This patient's back pain improved over the course of his inpatient stay and he opted to discharge himself without availing of an incision and drainage of the local collection," the authors noted.

First of all, was it working? And secondly, who comes up with this stuff? I mean, how does a man possibly decide to inject his own semen into his arm to treat lower back pain? It doesn't make any sense. Unless -- UNLESS -- he asked a coworker like me how to treat lower back pain, and that coworker looked him dead in the eye, leaned in, and whispered 'Inject your own semen into your arm.' Admittedly, I could see myself telling somebody that.

Thanks to Thaylor H and K Diddie, who want to know if he even bothered eating his own boogers or drinking some of his blood first, or if he just went straight to the semen.

Police Department Seeks Drunk Volunteers So They Can Practice Giving Field Sobriety Tests

January 17, 2019


The Kutztown Police Department of Pennsylvania is seeking volunteers willing to get drunk so officers can practice administering field sobriety tests. As tipster Closet Nerd pointed out to me, this sounds an awful lot like a trap. Nice try, Klutztown, but, wait -- free alcohol? Okay I'll do it. The requirements while I aim to be the wastedest volun that's ever teered:

The Kutztown Police Department is looking for three (3) volunteers to assist us in training officers to administer Standardized Field Sobriety Tests during suspected DUI traffic stops. The volunteers must be available on April 4, 2019 between 2:30PM and 7PM. Alcohol will be provided however you will not receive any compensation for your time. In order to be eligible you must meet the below criteria:

Volunteer requirements:

1. Be in good health between the ages of 25 and 40 with no history of drug or alcohol abuse
2. Clean criminal history
3. Be willing to drink hard liquor to the point of inebriation
4. Sign a waiver releasing the Borough of Kutztown of any liability
5. Have a sober/responsible party take care and control after the training.

Wait -- so do you have to meet all of those requirements or is three out of five okay? I mean that is a majority. Asking for a friend that, fine, might only meet two of the requirements. Okay just one, I hate signing things. I mean he -- he hates signing things. Arthritis or something.

Thanks again to Closet Nerd, who informed me can smell a trap from a mile away, and a microwaved Hot Pocket from even further.

Guy Makes LEGO Minifigs Out Of Gallium Metal, Melts Them Like Terminators

January 17, 2019

This is a video of Youtuber DaveHax using LEGO minifig shaped ice molds to make some tiny minifigs out of gallium, then melting them like little Terminators. For those of you unfamiliar, gallium is a solid metal at room temperature, but has a melting point around 86°F (30°C), which allows all this magic to happen. That's cool. Also cool? How much melted gallium looks like mercury. So here's my plan, 1) I show this video to all my least favorite coworkers and then 2) on Monday I bring in some mercury and tell them it's gallium and let them all have a great time playing with it until 3) they all get sick from mercury poisoning. "You have a sick mind, GW." Please, you don't give me enough credit. "You have sick everything, GW." Thank you -- but especially abs and penis, right?

Keep going for the whole video.

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Terrible Driver Gets Perfectly Stuck In Parking Garage

January 17, 2019

This is a short, filmed-off-the-monitor security cam video of a driver in a parking garage who hits the corner while making a turn, then proceeds to back up with the quickness, getting their car perfectly stuck between two walls. I'm not even sure if I could do that if I tried, especially considering I don't have a license so trying would be illegal. Still, I'm a little confused seeing this video because my girlfriend said she was just running to the grocery store, and I know they have a parking lot and not a garage. *phone rings* Man, my night is gonna suck now.

Keep going for the full video, but you aren't missing much from the gif.

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Don't Tell My Aunt: An Umbrella That Looks Like A Wine Bottle

January 17, 2019


Seen here getting cut from the Autobot tryouts, this is the $10 'Brella Vineyards Cabernet Wine Bottle Hidden Umbrella' available on Amazon (in burgundy or black). When in dry storage mode it looks like a bottle of cabernet wine, but when raining can be opened to expose a functional (albeit low-quality looking) umbrella. Now I love wine as much as the next person who's sadly learned it's socially unacceptable to play quarters or flip-cup with shots at a fine-dining establishment, but who needs an umbrella that looks like a wine bottle? Now I'm not saying there was clearly some miscommunication and the manufacturer screwed up, but I'm pretty sure this was supposed to be an umbrella that hides a wine bottle. Now that makes sense, but they should also make a parasol edition so people don't look at me funny when I'm drinking out of my umbrella in the middle of summer.

Thanks to Andrea, who agrees they should make a golf umbrella version that looks like a box of Franzia.