Because there's a market for absolutely everything, this is the ~$19 Purple Eggplant Sauce Bottle from Bubblegum Stuff (in crappy Photoshop form). It looks like everyone's favorite stand-in emoji penis (except mine, I use the rocket ship), measures approximately 9" x 6" x 3.5", is dishwasher safe, and holds a pretty good amount of your favorite condiment. What is your favorite condiment? Mine's pickle relish!
Squirt out your condiments with this saucy Mayonnaise bottle. Make a tight grip, shake it up and down, then squeeze. You should have mayo oozing out all over your food. Ooh doesn't it sounds tasty. Your friends won't be able to resist coming over.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? "Everything is a sex toy if you believe in yourself?" That's a fact, but that is not what I was thinking. "What were you thinking then?" Just kidding, it was that. You just know me so well I wish I could surprise you sometimes, you know? Like jump up from the backseat of your car with a knife when you're driving. "Wait, what?!" Take me to the mall or I'll cut you!
Keep going for a couple more shots.
Thanks to Alex S, who remembers a time when the best penis emoji we had was a line of equal signs followed by a D.