Real Products That Exist: The Giant Key Keychain

May 14, 2019


This is the $25 Key Key Chain Chain created and sold by Studio Cult Co. The giant key measures four-inches in length and will make all your regular keys feel inferior. Obviously, it's perfect for the person who wants to give the illusion of a flat boner in their pocket. Does it actually open a secret door somewhere? I doubt it. But maybe -- just maybe -- it's the key to my heart. "I thought that was pizza and beer." It is. "But can I stab you with it anyways?" Do what you must. Just a heads up though, don't be alarmed if my heart starts spewing waste instead of blood, because-- "Your cardiovascular system is basically a giant sewer." Exactly, you get it. Strike true my love.

Keep going for one more shot.


Thanks to hairless, who agrees this is exactly how to convince all your friends you own a mansion.

  • Douchy McDouche

    For that guy with a small penis.

  • Jenness

    But why, it's just too huge to be functional.

  • Closet Nerd

    "If knowledge is key, then just show me the lock"

  • Closet Nerd

    A Tribe Called Quest

  • GeneralDisorder

    That made me think of the song An Ode to Locksmiths by Type O Negative since the lyrics mention some biblical shit about knowledge and... stuff. But it's 5 minutes long and if you don't like Type O... well... if you don't like Type O Negative you can just fuck right off. But still, 5 minutes is 5 minutes.

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