Real Products That Exist: The Giant Key Keychain

May 14, 2019

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This is the $25 Key Key Chain Chain created and sold by Studio Cult Co. The giant key measures four-inches in length and will make all your regular keys feel inferior. Obviously, it's perfect for the person who wants to give the illusion of a flat boner in their pocket. Does it actually open a secret door somewhere? I doubt it. But maybe -- just maybe -- it's the key to my heart. "I thought that was pizza and beer." It is. "But can I stab you with it anyways?" Do what you must. Just a heads up though, don't be alarmed if my heart starts spewing waste instead of blood, because-- "Your cardiovascular system is basically a giant sewer." Exactly, you get it. Strike true my love.

Keep going for one more shot.

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Thanks to hairless, who agrees this is exactly how to convince all your friends you own a mansion.

  • Douchy McDouche

    For that guy with a small penis.

  • Jenness

    But why, it's just too huge to be functional.

  • Closet Nerd

    "If knowledge is key, then just show me the lock"

  • Closet Nerd

    A Tribe Called Quest

  • GeneralDisorder

    That made me think of the song An Ode to Locksmiths by Type O Negative since the lyrics mention some biblical shit about knowledge and... stuff. But it's 5 minutes long and if you don't like Type O... well... if you don't like Type O Negative you can just fuck right off. But still, 5 minutes is 5 minutes.

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