Quilted Northern Rolling Out(!) New 4-Ply 'Luxury' Toilet Paper

April 24, 2019


Because reinventing the wheel is hard, this is the Quilted Northern Luxury toilet paper coming soon to a toilet paper/paper towel aisle near you. Is it actually going to come in that cat food can? I hope so. The paper was designed with the most lavish of asses in mind, and comes with not one, not two, not three, but FOUR silky-soft layers to clog all your plumbing. A six-pack of mega rolls (allegedly the equivalent of 24 regular rolls) will retail for around $9 when they hit shelves, and I can't wait to try it. It's the little things in life, you know? Of course you have to remember, all toilet paper goes to the same place. "To start a dingleberry colony between your butt cheeks." Exactly. At least until your significant other shakes their head sadly at you enough that you finally scrub real good in there the next time you shower. "Get out of my memories!" You get out of mine!

Thanks to Chase, who agrees the best toilet paper has been and always will be whatever you can steal from a frenemy's home.

  • saxon hartzog


  • GeneralDisorder

    Don't be such a 10 ply.

  • The_Wretched

    Bidet. the "luxury" wipe is being actually clean.

  • Bling Nye

    What, you don't like trying to rub peanut butter out of shag carpet?

  • The_Wretched

    Trim. No shag. It's much nicer.

  • im1dermike

    Good luck, septic systems.

  • Bufort

    Andrex have had 4 ply for years.

  • saxon hartzog

    and you neglected to tell me !!?

  • sizzlepants

    So.... aside from the manual labour involved...

    How is 4-ply any different than just folding 2-ply over itself?

    Does no one else do this? Is my butt wiping technique the visionary opportunity I missed my whole life?

  • Billy Rocka

    First wipe takes 2-3 squares, after that- 1 square for each. 😉🤣

  • Douchy McDouche

    If you're going to call something like that "luxury" it better be made of finest silk.

  • Billy Rocka

    But then it will just smear all over the cheeks...

  • Douchy McDouche

    But you'll look so classy while doing it.

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