Quilted Northern Rolling Out(!) New 4-Ply 'Luxury' Toilet Paper

April 24, 2019


Because reinventing the wheel is hard, this is the Quilted Northern Luxury toilet paper coming soon to a toilet paper/paper towel aisle near you. Is it actually going to come in that cat food can? I hope so. The paper was designed with the most lavish of asses in mind, and comes with not one, not two, not three, but FOUR silky-soft layers to clog all your plumbing. A six-pack of mega rolls (allegedly the equivalent of 24 regular rolls) will retail for around $9 when they hit shelves, and I can't wait to try it. It's the little things in life, you know? Of course you have to remember, all toilet paper goes to the same place. "To start a dingleberry colony between your butt cheeks." Exactly. At least until your significant other shakes their head sadly at you enough that you finally scrub real good in there the next time you shower. "Get out of my memories!" You get out of mine!

Thanks to Chase, who agrees the best toilet paper has been and always will be whatever you can steal from a frenemy's home.

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