Police Department Seeks Drunk Volunteers So They Can Practice Giving Field Sobriety Tests

January 17, 2019


The Kutztown Police Department of Pennsylvania is seeking volunteers willing to get drunk so officers can practice administering field sobriety tests. As tipster Closet Nerd pointed out to me, this sounds an awful lot like a trap. Nice try, Klutztown, but, wait -- free alcohol? Okay I'll do it. The requirements while I aim to be the wastedest volun that's ever teered:

The Kutztown Police Department is looking for three (3) volunteers to assist us in training officers to administer Standardized Field Sobriety Tests during suspected DUI traffic stops. The volunteers must be available on April 4, 2019 between 2:30PM and 7PM. Alcohol will be provided however you will not receive any compensation for your time. In order to be eligible you must meet the below criteria:

Volunteer requirements:

1. Be in good health between the ages of 25 and 40 with no history of drug or alcohol abuse
2. Clean criminal history
3. Be willing to drink hard liquor to the point of inebriation
4. Sign a waiver releasing the Borough of Kutztown of any liability
5. Have a sober/responsible party take care and control after the training.

Wait -- so do you have to meet all of those requirements or is three out of five okay? I mean that is a majority. Asking for a friend that, fine, might only meet two of the requirements. Okay just one, I hate signing things. I mean he -- he hates signing things. Arthritis or something.

Thanks again to Closet Nerd, who informed me can smell a trap from a mile away, and a microwaved Hot Pocket from even further.

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