Real Products That Exist: Clamdy Canes, Clam Flavored Candy Canes

September 5, 2018


Because what good are the holidays if you can't prank the people you supposedly love, these are the clam flavored candy canes available from Archie McPhee. They cost $5 for a box of six and are the perfect stocking stuffer for a younger sibling who wronged you one too many times in the past year. Mmmm, Becky, you've gotta try one of the grey and white ones -- I heard they taste like magic *under breath* you little shit. Alternatively, leave a couple out for Santa to let that fat bastard know how much you appreciate the sock full of nothing he brought you last Christmas. That's what I'm doing, I'll let you know how it goes.

UPDATE, CHRISTMAS MORNING: "Well, how'd it go?!" Not that good -- there's a fair amount of vomit by the hearth and neither one of my parents will come out of the bathroom. "Wait, did you really not know..." Know what? That Santa has a shellfish allergy? How the hell was I supposed to know that?

Thanks to KM, who agrees that poor bastard's throat probably closed up and he crash landed somewhere in the Atlantic.

  • Gak!

    And having said that, it seems only right that I send you a link to my post about brussels sprouted flavored potato chips--or crisps, as they're called in Britain. (I haven't figured out where you are so I thought I'd use both names, just to make sure you're horrified about the right thing.)

  • Closet Nerd

    They also have Bacon, Pickle, Mac n Cheese, Rotisserre chicken, and coal flavor candy canes

  • The_Wretched

    For people who really hate food and nutrition and just plan on a full sugar diet.

  • GeneralDisorder

    I feel violently ill thinking about this.

  • Douchy McDouche

    How to make this at home: Take regular candy cane. Insert into your significant other's vagina. Candy cane is now clamdy cane. Enjoy.

  • Captain Matticus, LP Inc.

    Every day we stray further from God.

  • The_Wretched

    We also stray from Vishnu, Thor, Baal, Cthulhu and Darth Vadar. So sad.

  • Megatron Jenkins

    Every day I want off this rock.

  • Irina Abramovich

    I think the point of these is that you keep licking until you find the pearl

  • Irina Abramovich

    <3 Hubree: I love tuna!

  • Jenness

    I admit, I'm curious about this. Do they taste like garlic buttered clams which would be reminiscent of buttered popcorn jellybellies maybe - or like snot like fresh clams?

  • Ollie Williams

    I showed this to a friend who said, "I'd try it. I bet it'd be good in a bloody mary." So I says, "So, you're saying you'd like to stick your clam cane in a bloody mary?"

    Laughs were had, because we have the sense of humor of 14 year olds.

  • Draco Basileus

    What about sticking a clam cane into a chocolate starfish?

    Did I just cross a line?

  • Ollie Williams

    There is no line here.

  • Draco Basileus

    Vomit flavored vomit, in my mouth.

  • TheQiwiMan




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