Real Products That Exist: Clamdy Canes, Clam Flavored Candy Canes

September 5, 2018


Because what good are the holidays if you can't prank the people you supposedly love, these are the clam flavored candy canes available from Archie McPhee. They cost $5 for a box of six and are the perfect stocking stuffer for a younger sibling who wronged you one too many times in the past year. Mmmm, Becky, you've gotta try one of the grey and white ones -- I heard they taste like magic *under breath* you little shit. Alternatively, leave a couple out for Santa to let that fat bastard know how much you appreciate the sock full of nothing he brought you last Christmas. That's what I'm doing, I'll let you know how it goes.

UPDATE, CHRISTMAS MORNING: "Well, how'd it go?!" Not that good -- there's a fair amount of vomit by the hearth and neither one of my parents will come out of the bathroom. "Wait, did you really not know..." Know what? That Santa has a shellfish allergy? How the hell was I supposed to know that?

Thanks to KM, who agrees that poor bastard's throat probably closed up and he crash landed somewhere in the Atlantic.

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