This is a video of former prison inmate and Youtuber Lockdown 23and1 demonstrating how to make an authentic prison pizza (specifically, with a homemade instant crust instead of actual dough). It actually looks amazing, and I bet it tastes pretty good too. Maybe not as good as freedom, but you work with what you've got.
The crust of the pizza is made with crushed saltines, Ritz crackers and ramen noodle soup with the addition of hot water. The toppings include tomato sauce, cheese, Slim Jims, pepperoni and pickles. The dough is mixed in a chip bag and rolled out on a board game before going into the microwave for a first run. The toppings are added and after five minutes in the microwave the pizza is done.
Pretty ingenious. Also that looks like a large too -- impressive work. Honestly, this is probably nicer than the last pizza I made, which was just cold tomato sauce on a piece of stale white bread and holy shit how long have I been in here?! Is my toilet wine ready yet? I demand a retrial. Also no word if Lockdown 23and1 and Martha Stewart plan on teaming up to cohost an ex-con prison cooking show, but I would definitely petition to get to hold a viewing party every week in the common room.
Keep going for the video.
Thanks to K Diddie, who went missing for a while, but is apparently back none the worse for wear. That's a relief.