This is the 1-millimeter thin Beardclass Beard Shaping Tool available from Amazon for $17 (along with a beard comb, beard scissors and a keychain). After starting to write this post I realized there's no way this can be the first of its kind and a quick search turned up a bunch of similar products. But, just like climbing the ladder to the high dive when I was twelve, once I start I'm committed to that cannonball and soaking all the babes suntanning by the side of the pool. So yeah, if you're looking for a beard shaping tool there's this one, and a bunch of other ones. Or, if you're like me, you can just shave your beard the easy way by not being able to grow one that doesn't look like a fourth grader's.
Thanks to Mike N, who informed me muttonchops are making a comeback, like they ever went out of style in the first place.