So, We've Come To This: Boa Constrictor Snake Massages

April 24, 2018


Because people will pay for anything, the Wholeness Center in Valley Cottage, New York is now offering snake massages (which have actually existed in Indonesia and the Philippines for some time, possibly since the Garden Of Eden). Don't worry though, snake priestess Serpentessa is with you the whole time to make sure you don't get choked out. Also, snakes that are hungry, shedding or currently sick aren't used for massages, and the snakes are never forced to work, apparently they just enjoy slithering around on warm bodies like they'd do if they were on vacation. No word if anybody's ever had a rat regurgitated on them, but that would be pretty gnarly. Now if I could just get a snail facial treatment and have my feet in one of those fish baths simultaneously I think I could finally achieve nirvana.

Keep going for the video while I see if I can buy Indiana Jones a gift certificate and try to ignore whatever happy ending comment you're going to make.

Thanks to Whitney D, who agrees the best massage comes from the hands of a lover. I mean, provided they know what they're doing, otherwise the lady or guy at the massage parlor is way better.

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