Sadness: Punk-Rock 'Butt-Breathing' Turtle Faces Extinction

April 17, 2018


In sad news, the "butt-breathing" Mary River turtle, native to Queensland, Australia, has recently been added to "the 'Edge of Existence' list of endangered species compiled by the Zoological Society of London (ZSL)." Some more info about the turtles while I speculate if butt-chugging a beer is an appropriate tribute:

An Australian river turtle with a distinctive green punk-rock hairstyle, two spikes under its chin and the ability to breathe through its genitals is on a new list of endangered reptiles.

[The turtle] has the unusual ability to breathe underwater through specialized glands in its cloaca -- a posterior opening for excretion and reproduction.

This biological function allows the turtle -- referred to as a "butt breather" -- to stay underwater for up to three days. That ability also usually provides these turtles with a vibrant green mohawk, the result of algae growing on their heads because of the extended time spent submerged.

Conservationists attribute the turtle's dwindling numbers to habitat loss and overcollection for the pet trade and NOT Shredder like I had previously suspected. You know, it's going to be weird in the future when you have one of your grandchildren on your knee and you're telling them you can still remember a time when there were butt-breathing turtles on earth. Now the only remaining butt-breathers are in politics and OH SHIT, did you hear that?! Robot attack -- to the bunker!

Thanks to Ed who wields the axe of Grognak! and Fartbutt, who both really went out of the way with their names, just completely different directions.

  • Fartbutt

    Yesss it's my spirit animal!!!

  • Guesticle

    so you're saying that if I want to taste one I should do it now.


    I thought It was called Mary River turtle, not May River turtle...

  • Jenness

    They have one of these in an aquarium near my house and the guides have to tell the tourists "No, the turtle is not dead" because it will just lay with it's head under the water and legs out, butt above water and be so still and they all think it's drowned.

  • Nicholas Conrad

    Oh, so the breathing part still stays above water? I was imagining more of a genit-gills situation. Well count me out for gene splicing with the little guy in that case.

  • Irina Abramovich

    The turtle has suicidal feelings about living with Jenness????????????? Any other Psych majors out there??

  • Jenness

    Typo - meant "near" my house

  • Ah man, in the same 2 minutes I find out this bad ass lookin little dude exist I also find out he isn't going to exist soon? Emotional rollercoaster.

  • Irina Abramovich

    There is still time to save a pic of him on your computer and look at him whenever you want.=)

    I <3 Hubree

    Hubree: You're the sweetest, NUMB3R #1 L33T HAX0r and you win a medal from me for bravery in the face of having a kitten face.=)

  • Geekologie

    i felt the same

  • Lord Chino

    It's Iggy Koopa!

  • Doog

    Perfect comment.

  • TheQiwiMan

    When is butt-chugging a beer NOT an appropriate tribute?

  • Geekologie

    i was just making sure

  • TheQiwiMan

    Butt-chugging at my grandmother's funeral brought a tear to many an eye.

  • Eric Ord


    Punk is dead btw

  • Jesus H. Presley ✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ™

    Balder-poop! Computer programmers with tattoos are out here hanging themselves by their nipples and you think that punk is dead?!?!

  • Eric Ord

    That's not punk though, that's neo-tribalism and things

  • TheQiwiMan

    And good riddance to it.

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