Life: Bird Dies In The Nest He Built For His Concrete Lover After Trying To Woo Her For Five Years

February 15, 2018


Government conservationists built a concrete flock of gannet birds on Mana Island, New Zealand in 2013 with the hopes they'd attract real-life gannets back to the island and repopulate it. Sadly, only a single gannet (affectionately named Nigel) returned, and fell for one of the concrete birds, attempting to woo her for five years until he passed away in the nest he built beside her on February 1st, 2018. My God, that's even sadder than the saddest Pixar movie scene. Per Department of Conservation ranger Chris Bell:

Nigel was very faithful to the colony...I think it must have been quite a frustrating existence. Whether or not he was lonely, he certainly never got anything back, and that must have been very strange experience, when he spent years courting. I think we all have a lot of empathy for him, because he had this fairly hopeless situation.

We've all been there before, haven't we? In a hopeless situation, giving it all you've got and getting absolutely nothing in return. "You're talking about spending your life savings on lotto scratchers?" Of course I am. Rest in peace, Nigel.

Keep going for a better shot of Nigel and two videos of him wooing his would-be mate while I contemplate whether a concrete lover is right for me.


Thanks to Corrine, who agrees maybe they should have re-homed him after no other birds came? Now I'm no professional conservationist, but I do know the probability of Nigel repopulating the island with only a concrete lover (less than 40%).

  • Homestar

    Whose dumbass idea was it to allow this whole thing to happen? Jeeze....

  • Swan

    This just seemed appropriate for Nigel's soundtrack of a short, sad life.

  • Jesus this is some pretty terrible shit to do to a bird.

    As a dude who just got dumped... I guess I should probably realize things can be WAY worse.

  • Robert A'Beuy

    Speaking of Gannets...

  • Captain Matticus, LP Inc.


    Which works better?

  • Captain Matticus, LP Inc.

    Nigel and the Real Decoy

  • Captain Matticus, LP Inc.

    More appropriate song:

  • Closet Nerd

    Nigel, take a fucking hint, mate!

  • Jason Christopher

    This bums me out WAY more than it should. Jesus, I'm sad.

  • Megatron Jenkins

    🎂 How about some cake?

  • Glitchy bob

    Animal kingdom Waifu

  • Abe Cedeefgee

    Thank you GW for sharing Nigel's story to the world, you honor his memory. I'm logging into this for the first time to say this is so uncool. This goes beyond physically harming an animal, they drained his soul for years by allowing this. If other females didn't arrive and a real colony didn't kick off why didn't they just spare Nigel? Were the $300 spent on the concrete birds too much of an investment to let go of? Was he a tourist attraction?

    Anyway it goes without saying there are obvious correlations between this and modern disaffected males who attach emotionally to cold artificial representations of real females. But this poor little guy was screwed over on such a bigger level.

  • dina shannon

    So there is not one single person in 5 years that thought "Hey, the poor lil' guy will die here alone if we don't move these concrete birds somewhere else" ?

  • TheQiwiMan

    I think it's nice that Nigel has now been officially adopted as the "National Mascot of Male Feminists".

  • GeneralDisorder

    But... it didn't rape anyone or kill anyone like most male feminists do.

  • afterooster

    I'm like 100% positive this bird raped his concrete GF.

  • Gingerbread

    So there is not one single person in 5 years that thought "Hey, the poor lil' guy will die here alone if we don't move these concrete birds somewhere else" ?

  • Frédéric Purenne

    Well it might be for the better for the birds in terms of evolution... because that one surely wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

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