So, We've Come To This: Wealthy Neighborhood Installs Bird Spikes In Trees To Prevent Poop On Cars

January 25, 2018


Because people are, by nature, giant turds, this is a shot of one of the trees in a wealthy Bristol, England neighborhood that has had anti-bird spikes nailed to its branches to prevent birds from roosting there and shitting on the residents' expensive cars. Earth: humans don't deserve it.

One resident, who asked to remain anonymous, confirmed the spikes were "solely to to protect cars", which include a number of expensive BMWs and Audis, from bird droppings.

They said: "The spikes are solely to protect the cars, there is no other reason.

"There is a big problem with bird droppings around here. They can really make a mess of cars, and for some reason the birds do seem to congregate around this area.

I just don't know any more, I really don't. We're taking trees away from the birds. And for what -- so your BMW doesn't get a little poop on it? Shit is all part of life. I'm sorry, but I'm siding with the birds on this one. "You're going to go poop on those cars, aren't you?" I did some research and this Taco Bell is less than two hours away. Obviously, I'll still need to take it to go.

Thanks to Melissa, who agrees all the plants and animals should rise up and take the earth back from us.

  • Peter Vaňušanik

    fuck the birds, I wish I could shoot every single one that shits on my car

  • Evil Bastard

    I'd be sorely tempted to find out who made this decision and throw eggs at their cars periodically. I wouldn't, but I'd be really, really tempted.

  • pseudo gamer

    I dont think this is good for the trees...and for the birds obviously

  • Kon Bot

    Poor people be mad.

  • THIS JUST IN - Rich people stab poor peoples eyes 👀 out for staring at their cars deeming it as 'inappropriately long for a casual glance'

  • Fish

    Bird shit verses blood dripping from an impaled bird. Color me interested to see if this has happened.

  • Redeemer

    And now we know why there are so many spikes in Sonic games. Robotnik just wanted that blue hedgehog to quit shitting on his machines.

  • Skagosi Unicorn

    Articles like this highlight the idiocy and insipidness of society. This is how a child would respond to a problem.

    "I don't wanna cleeeeeean my carrrrrr... just put spikes up everywhere to keep away all the things that poop! Now gimme a juice box so I can go back to my pretend reality where I'm the only thing that matters."

  • whacko

    Bird poop can damage a car's paint. I'm not rich, but I do have a tree that covers part of my driveway and I would consider a solution like this over cutting down the tree any day.

    In the summer when birds are active, I can have as many as a dozen poop spots on my car PER DAY not to mention poop all over the driveway. It isn't just a question of "cleeeeeeaning my carrrrrr," it also becomes a health concern because you track some of that poop into the house when you walk in which is bad for pets and small children.

  • Skagosi Unicorn

    And I just realized you complained about tracking poop in your house. Aha. Ahahahahahaha. I needed that laugh, thanks. Maybe you're not useless.

  • Skagosi Unicorn

    I just had a great, brand new idea. Take a piece of cloth. Cut and sew it into the shape of your car. Place over your car (you know, when you're not driving it, you seem like you might need that clarification). Hose it off when it gets too poopy for your sensitive self.

    Or you know, enjoy life and stop caring about pointless shit like car paint.

    The wise Jimmy Pop Ali once said "I hate you but you hate yourself too, I hate to be honest but I'd hate to be you" your life sounds borrrring as fuck.

  • whacko

    I'm starting to think you don't even own a car... OR you're just being an ass.

    Your "solutions" are time consuming, impractical and inconvenient. I'm not talking about a situation where my car gets one or two spots of bird poop on it per week. In my specific situation I can wash my car and two hours later it can have 10-20 new instances of bird poop splattered on it.

    I don't want to cut down my trees, but once the speed at which bird poop starts building up hits a certain point "hosing it off" or "covering your car with a cloth" become impractical solutions.

  • Skagosi Unicorn

    Here. An affordable car cover. Would take 30 seconds or so to take on and off your car. If you think that something as simple as that is more of an inconvenience than installing spikes in trees, I think you need a morality check. Just my opinion, but hey, it's the internet.

    The reason I'm taking time to share this, is because this is one neighborhood. Sure, not the end of the world. But it's just opening up the opportunity for more of them to be placed, and for similar tactics to be invented.

    I just don't understand how people can be so selfish and unwilling to take responsibility for their own problems. The birds have done nothing wrong, nor any other animals that this will effect.

    Are you aware that tree branches strengthen due to the stress and weight put on them from things like animals landing in them? That there are many symbiotic relationships happening there that keep nature in balance? In regards to the spikes themselves, what happens when a disgruntled employee does a half-assed install and they fall out and land on your car? Or you. Or a kid. What about the weather? Tree limbs and whole trees come down in storms all the time. That is damaging enough in itself, nevermind that it's now a freaking katana blade.

    Anyone with half a brain can see this idea has flaws. Anyone with half a heart can see why this is selfish and almost cruel. I'm waiting for the follow-up stories on this one. Try applying this method to something else and pretend it doesn't sound like a 1984/prison/dystopian shitheap.

    There ya go, it's clear we have differing opinions about life. I truly would hate to live my life caring so much about car paint. And yes, I have a car. It's filthy, because it's made for the outdoors. If my car was being shit on to the point it's literally too covered, I would either park somewhere else, get a cover/carport, move, or maybe I would take the hint that I'm a shitty person and change my perspective...

  • Skagosi Unicorn

    If you're upset, it's because you're subconsciously realizing you sound like an ass for wanting to keep birds and other animals out of their home because you care so much about superficial things. Whatever.

  • Thog

    This would be evil behavior if there was only one tree in town. BFD

  • Nico

    I really hope some birds find out that it's much easier to build a nest in those spikes resulting in an increase of birds on that part of the tree…

  • FearlessFarris

    It looks tacky, but other than that, I don't have an issue with it. The birds have the other half of the tree to sit in, and presumably every other tree in the neighborhood as well.

    This is probably a lot better for the environment than running their car through a car wash every other day.

  • Skagosi Unicorn

    If you give the article a re-read, you'll notice it says trees. The picture is demonstrating one tree.

    Gonna be awesome when a squirrel doesn't understand they've been installed, jumps into the tree, impales his body on the spikes, and rains blood and guts down on those poor, innocent cars.

  • Munihausen

    Garage? Fake owl(s)? .22? That tree is an eyesore.

  • You won't see them in the summer, and depending on the weather, snow may hide them in winter.

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