This is a short video of Youtuber Cheese On Toast demonstrating a toilet paper holder in Japan that allows a person to replace the roll with a single hand. Perfect for Captain Hook. The clever design "features a prong on each side of the holder that move inward an upward when a roll is being replaced and then snaps back into place when the roll is in the proper position." Very impressive, and another clear indication that Japan is living in 2027 while I'm stuck here in 2017 with poop all over my fingers. "Um, what?" Forget I said anything.
Keep going for the video while I hunt down a Wet-Nap. Also, don't try too hard to see whether or not you can spot his pants-down reflection in the chrome. Oh, you can buy a similar toilet paper holder for home use on Amazon HERE ($14 with 4.5/5 stars and 165 reviews, aka sounds legit).
Thanks to my buddy Pete, who informed me with just the right diet you never have to wipe. I saw you eat 28 suicide hot wings once!