China Selling 'Anti-Pervert' Personal Flamethrowers

July 20, 2017

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Several online retailers in China are currently selling 'anti-pervert' personal flamethrowers. The devices, which range in price from $13 to $40, can shoot flames as far as 20 feet, reaching temperatures in excess of 2,000° Fahrenheit. Obviously, I am 100% for melting gropers' hands off.

One vendor told the Beijing Youth Daily, as reported by the Telegraph, that the products "can leave a permanent scar, but are a legal, non-lethal tool," adding that they're "not a weapon." But police seem to disagree, saying that they're very much against the law and that it's also "technically illegal" to send the flame-throwers to customers through the postal service.


While it's hard to be concerned for sexual harassers, there are other safety problems to be considered. Many are considering the possibility of the flame-throwers being switched on accidentally inside the carrier's handbags, a terrifying thought.

It sucks we live in a world where women have to resort to personal flamethrowers to keep perverts at bay. I'm genuinely surprised God hasn't pushed the big red DO-OVER button yet. What's he waiting for? I'd push it if I had the chance. How hard do think it would be to sneak into heaven anyways? I'd just have to jump the pearly gates when Saint Peter isn't paying attention, right? "Not so fast." The devil! "You belong to me." Dammit, don't you have some gropers you should be attending to?

Keep going for a shot of an ad for a personal flamethrower.

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Thanks to Mark V, who agrees fire fixes everything.

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