Save The Neck For Me, Clark: How Many Calories Is A Human Being

April 7, 2017

cannibal-calorie-chart.jpg

This is a chart highlighting the caloric content in different body parts of an average male living in the 1940's and 50's. According to a recent study (using old data) conducted by closet-cannibal and senior lecturer in archaeology at the University of Brighton, James Cole, an average male living at that time weighed 145 pounds and contained 125,822 calories. Now? Now the average male is probably significantly more, not just because we're taller and larger, but because we have a higher fat to muscle ratio because we sit behind computer screens all day and only move to lift a buttcheek and fart. Me? I bet I've got more double those calories in me right now, but, FULL DISCLOSURE: I'm visiting a friend in jail this afternoon and have an anus full of king-size candy bars.

Thanks to Leslie, who wants to know how the hell Hannibal Lecter managed to stay so fit eating liver.

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