Facial Reconstruction Of A Man Who Lived 700 Years Ago

March 29, 2017


This is the facial reconstruction of 'Context 958', a 13th century man with a 25th century name. Now I know what you're thinking, and I 100% agree: I expected a man who lived 700 years ago to be way hairier and walk on all fours. "You're an idiot." Admittedly, I was never good at history. Or math or english or science. I dropped out of home-school when I was eight and never looked back. *puts on the cool guy shades I bought at the gas station because I can't afford Ray-Bans*

Based on an exhaustive analysis of his remains and the burial site, here's what we know about Context 958.

He was just slightly over 40 years old when he died. His skeleton showed signs of considerable wear-and-tear, so he likely lead a tough and hard working life. His tooth enamel stopped growing during two occasions in his youth, suggesting he likely lived through bouts of famine or sickness when he was young. The archaeologists found traces of blunt force trauma inflicted to the back of his head, which healed over before he died. The researchers aren't sure what he did for a living, but they think he was a working-class person who specialized in some kind of trade.

Perhaps even more interesting is how Context 958 looks almost identical to my neighbor who lives two houses down whose entire front yard is filled with dandelions and all the other neighbors hate him because the seeds blow into their yards, then they've got dandelions too, and they don't want dandelions, they want grass in their yard. Me? I want a water park or a bikini bar!

Thanks to Douglass, who's just happy to hear Context 958 managed to survive the attempted murder.

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