Last Living Person Born In 1800's Celebrates 117th Birthday, Tells Secret of Long Life

November 29, 2016

worlds-oldest-woman.jpg

Seen here wondering if the photographer is one of her grandchildren who's finally come to visit is Emma Moran. She's celebrating her 117th birthday today (November 29th), and is the last known living person born in the 1800's. Is she actually the world's oldest person? I dunno, I always suspect the world's oldest living person is living in a remote village somewhere and doesn't know how old they are. "I remember Pangaea," I imagine them telling their great-great-great-great-great-great-etc-etc grandchildren, who happened to go to school with Jesus. What's Emma's secret to such longevity? Let me copy/paste that for you while I sippeth from the Fountain of Youth. "That's a Yoo-hoo." Ponce de León was trying too hard.

When Emma was born, in 1899, Britain was still at war with the Boers in South Africa. World War One was still fifteen years away and she was already 28 by the time the television was invented. She holds the Guinness world record as the only person alive born in the 19th century, but what's the secret to her long life? "I eat two eggs a day, and that's it," she told AFP News Agency. "And cookies. But I do not eat much because I have no teeth."

There you have it: two eggs a day, that's the secret. Now we can all live to a million if we want. Or, wait -- is it the cookies that's the secret? Or is it the toothlessness? I guess we'll just have to do all three to be safe. Now -- you run to the store for eggs and some Chewy Chips Ahoy and Pepperidge Farm Milanos while I dig around in the garage for a pair of pliers. This is going to be fun! Jk jk, this is going to hurt like hell and probably get infected and we'll both be dead before Christmas.

Thanks to Shauna P, who agrees nobody lives past 100 without the use of magic, whether they know it or not.

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