Xavier University Gets North America's First Pizza Vending Machine

August 8, 2016


Pizza vending machines have existed in Europe for some time, but Xavier University in Cincinnati, Ohio just got North America's first pizza vending machine, no doubt upping the traditional freshman fifteen to at least twenty, possibly twenty-five. The machine cost a staggering $55,000 to purchase, and cooks previously refrigerated 12-inch pizzas in about three minutes, at a cost to students of $9. Not bad, but why not just let somebody open a 24-hour pizza shop? Hell, I'd do it and could probably make a killing selling $9 pizzas and weed. "What?" Nothing. Besides, who wants a vending machine pizza that comes with an umbilical cord? Do I have to cut that myself or does the machine do it for me? Because I didn't get high and come down here in my pajamas at 2AM to play pizza doctor.

Thanks to Dougie, who once roundhouse kicked a vending machine for not dropping his Doritos. I dragged one behind my truck for a stuck Twix before.

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