Police deputies are investigating several reports of a "clown or a person dressed in clown clothing" trying to lure children into the woods near the Fleetwood Manor Apartments in Greenville, South Carolina. Thankfully, most children will run from a clown because clowns are terrifying and not the sort of thing you'd be willing to follow into the woods like an ice cream or taco truck. So that's a relief. At least people are doing the right thing and trying to shoot at the clown. Wait -- what?
"I thought my child was seeing things," [Resident Donna] Arnold said. "And then the next day I had about 30 kids come up to me and say, 'Did you see the clown in the woods?"
Another resident also reported seeing a "large-figured clown with a blinking nose" standing under a streetlight near the trash dumpsters.
Deputies also spoke with children who told them clowns "try to persuade them into the woods further by displaying large amounts of money." The children advised they believed the clowns lived in an old house near a pond, accessible via a trial behind the apartment complex.
Deputies said they found the house near the pond but found no signs of suspicious activity or clowns.
According to the investigative report, deputies also received two prior calls about clowns in the area and one call about gunshots being fired at clowns.
Listen: I want you to dress me up like a kid and I'll walk on my knees and get to the bottom of this clown mystery. It says the clown is displaying large amounts of money. I will take that money. And, if police happen to find a dead clown in the woods with his red nose and horn jammed up his ass, well, he said there was gonna be free candy. I don't take empty promises lightly. Also, if this is supposed to be some sort of viral campaign for the new Stephen King It movie coming out, that's f***ed up.
Hit the jump for a local news report.
Thanks to Sarah, who agrees if you see a clown you should run, do not walk, to the nearest circus tent exit.