Great Job: Roomba Tries To Vacuum Dog Poop, Spreads Across Entire Living Room

August 15, 2016


This is a sketch penciled by Roomba owner Jesse Newton after his robotic vacuum played in fresh dog poop (arguably the worst kind) then tried to vacuum the living room. Current robots: they might not kill you, but they'll definitely ruin your day. Obviously, I'm a little skeptical about the whole ordeal without any photographic evidence, but I'm also a little thankful because I don't really feel like dry heaving this early in the morning. In Jesse's own words:

It will be on your floorboards. It will be on your furniture legs. It will be on your carpets. It will be on your rugs. It will be on your kids' toy boxes. If it's near the floor, it will have poop on it. Those awesome wheels, which have a checkered surface for better traction, left 25-foot poop trails all over the house. Our lovable Roomba, who gets a careful cleaning every night, looked like it had been mudding. Yes, mudding - like what you do with a Jeep on a pipeline road. But in poop.

Then, when your four-year-old gets up at 3am to crawl into your bed, you'll wonder why he smells like dog poop. And you'll walk into the living room. And you'll wonder why the floor feels slightly gritty. And you'll see a brown-encrusted, vaguely Roomba-shaped thing sitting in the middle of the floor with a glowing green light, like everything's okay. Like it's proud of itself. You were still half-asleep until this point, but now you wake up pretty damn quickly.

So, first you clean the child. You scrub the poop off his feet and put him back in bed. But you don't bother cleaning your own feet, because you know what's coming. It's inevitable, and it's coming at you like a freight train. Some folks would shrug their shoulders and get back in bed to deal with it in the morning. But you're not one of those people - you can't go to sleep with that war zone of poop in the living room.

Then you get out the paper towel rolls, idly wondering if you should invest in paper towel stock, and you blow through three or four rolls wiping up poop. Then you get the spray bottle with bleach water and hose down the floor boards to let them soak, because the poop has already dried. Then out comes the steam mop, and you take care of those 25-ft poop trails.

So you clean the Roomba. You toss it in the bathtub to let it soak. You pull it apart, piece-by-piece, wondering at what point you became an adult and assumed responsibility for 3:30am-Roomba-disassembly-poop-cleanups. By this point, the poop isn't just on your hands - it's smeared up to your elbows. You already heard the Roomba make that "whirlllllllllllllllll-boop-hisssssssss" noise that sounds like electronics dying, and you realize you forgot to pull the battery before getting it wet.

Sick! But at least he killed the robot in the end, albeit accidentally. That was a nice fairy tale ending. Revenge. Your turd dragging days are behind you, Roomba! I wonder how many times this has happened to other people. There's no way this is an isolated incident. You think the Roomba company tries to cover it up? I used to have one of those self-cleaning litterboxes that combs the litter after a cat uses it but I had a cat that was so fat and took such monster dumps that the the comb arm would get stuck until it eventually launch the turds clear across the room. That's when I went back to cleaning the litterbox by hand.

Thanks to DieselNuts, who agree some people clearly don't know when to burn their house down and start over.

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