Finally, Officially Licensed X-Box Onesies Designed For Gaming

August 24, 2016


Because some people take gaming in comfort seriously (I game sitting on a bed of broken glass to remind myself to be humble and appreciate the things I have in life, which is literally just a dog and a PS4), these are the official X-Box Onesies. They have features that make gaming a much more comfortable and enjoyable experience. "Handjob machines?" No handjob machines, mostly pockets:

it's an adult-sized pair of zip-up pajamas packed to the seams with purpose-built, Xbox-themed accoutrement. We're talking oversized pockets for gamepads and remotes, an arm pouch for your phone and a giant hood that shouldn't interfere with even the bulkiest of headphones. That's in addition to "forearm grips to prevent slipping on those 'edge of your seat' moments" and the option to have your Gamertag embroidered on the getup.

There are a few catches though. 1) It doesn't look like a spacesuit enough to be able to choke out a crew member and take their place on a rocketship before it takes off. 2) They only come in black and white. Black is fine, but who the hell is going to buy a onesie they plan on living in 80+ hours a week in white? You're really gonna have to own those food and bodily fluid stains. 3) They're only available in Australia, which isn't even a catch by itself, it's the giant spider that manages to sneak in the box before it gets shipped to you -- she's the catch. I burn all packages from Australia for at least two days before opening them and filling out the insurance forms.

Keep going for a shot of a girl in a black onsies about to rub popcorn into her couch with her feet while she laughs at the funniest thing she's ever seen on a fake flatscreen.


Thanks to my buddy hairless, who prefers gaming in the nude and that's why we don't have Super Mario Party night anymore.

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