Finally, A Terrifyingly Dangerous Toilet Paper Dispensing Machine

July 13, 2016


This is a video demonstration of the automated toilet paper dispensing machine built by The Useless Duck Company. It uses a small motor to dispense a length of toilet paper, and a small chainsaw to cut it. You know I was just thinking I needed to find a way to incorporate a chainsaw into the already-most-dangerous-room-in-the-house, and here they beat me to it. It's perfect. Plus that chainsaw could come in handy if you're ever sitting on the shitter and decide now's the time to cut off your hand or penis. Hey -- I'm not here to judge, I'm only here to understand. Think of me like you therapist. Your therapist that will absolutely use everything you tell me against you. You think I won't tell your mom what you said about her? I'll absolutely tell her. "But I didn't say anything." Then I'll make shit up, I'm sick.

Keep going for the video.

Thanks to Monkeys with guns, who invited me to a party and I've half scared, half more excited than I've ever been in my life.

  • No matter how you cut it Toilet Paper is not hygienic and obsolete! We should be washing with water and the best way to do that is with a Hand Bidet Sprayer. Far cleaner, healthier, saves money and you never run out. And you also never cut your hand off!

  • TheQiwiMan

    Simone Giertz > Useless Duck Company

  • Jeremy Tilton

    Despite the many improvements of version 2.0, it requires you hang the roll like an idiot. Massive fail.

  • Xockszky

    I think it looks better when hung under like that, but I have to hang my toilet paper over because my toilet paper holder hangs loose, and grabbing at the end that's up against the wall is a pain in the ass.

  • Andrew Newton

    so you take tissue with something you saw?

  • Bling Nye

    Hanging it "under" like that is smart if you have small children or cats, so when they inevitably wander along and spin the roll, it doesn't all unwind in a heap on the floor.

    So you are correct, people that have small children and/or cats are idiots.

  • "So you are correct, people that have small children and/or cats are idiots."

    Truer words never spoken.

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