So, It's Come To This: Man Marries His Smartphone

June 28, 2016

guy-marries-phone-sadness.jpg

Seen here looking like a poor man's Matthew McConaughey (a VERY poor man's -- a hobo's Matthew McConaughey), film director Aaron Chervenak went to a Las Vegas wedding chapel and married his smartphone, presumably just to make this ridiculous little video about it because this is the world we live in. I want out of this snow-globe.

If we're going to be honest with ourselves, we connect with our phones on so many emotional levels. We look to it for solace, to calm us down, to put us to sleep, to ease our minds. And to me, that's also what a relationship is about. So, in a sense, my smartphone has been my longest relationship.

How profound. Such a powerful message. Of course when you've never had a real human relationship that's lasted past a single Tinder date of course your phone is going to win the longest relationship award. Me? I date a phone for like six months to a year then shatter them into a thousand pieces. That wasn't meant to be a metaphor. Still, no word if these two have consummated their relationship yet, and I'm thankful for that.

Keep going for the video. Also, can he be charged with murder if her battery dies?

Thanks to JF, who married a calculator watch in the late 80's, so there. Then divorced it and married one of those watches that can change TV channels in the mid 90's.

  • Jenness

    I want to know who the witnesses are. This is why the term marriage should be stricken from all legal documents. We don't have legal bat mitzvah or legal baptism why marriage? It should be civil contracts and then if you want a religious ceremony, pagan handfasting, wacky phone love party - if you can find a place to take your cash and throw that party or ceremony for you then go for it- but legally marriage as a legal definition should not exist at all. It would solve so many issues. Divorce would be cheap because the contract termination is clearly set at the beginning of the contract for all monies, property, children, incidents that cause harm to the contract holders etc. It would change a lot but things need to change because for those who actually respect the institution and come from families where people are married and together 50, 60+ years this legalized mockery of faith is disgusting. I bet people like Hugh Hefner and many "marriages" of convenience would be happier not having to go through the lie of a quasi-religious ceremony to legitimize what is a contractual arrangement of companionship and so would friends and relatives who basically are showing up to support the arrangement but then are put through some ridiculous charade of 'lifelong' love and commitment - it would be better and more honest for everyone.

  • Jay Koski

    Sometimes marriages end in murder-suicides.

  • Adibobea9

    I bet he can't wait to get it back to the hotel and get it out of that case…

  • Pong Sirioput

    Thanks, gay marriage!

  • PUNX

    what an idiot, luckily he cannot reproduce with his smartphone.

  • GeneralDisorder

    As if having a smartphone wasn't stressful enough. I bet it's an open relationship.

  • whacko

    Just wait a year or two until he's ready for an upgrade. We'll all see how long this relationship lasts.

  • TheQiwiMan

    "And to me, that's also what a relationship is about."

    And that, idiot douchebag, is why you are single.
    What a parasite. Yeesh.

  • GeneralDisorder

    Parasite? We don't know how that moron makes money. Is he making a bunch of ugly long-haired hippy babies to mooch off the system? If not, I'm in favor of that guy dying with his virginity intact.

  • TheQiwiMan

    I meant 'parasite' as in, he appears he has a need to feed off of his SO in order to be happy. That's toxic to a long-lasting relationship. If he needs someone else "for solace, to calm (him) down, to put (him) to sleep, to ease (his) mind" because he can't do those things for himself (like a goddam adult), that's pretty pathetic, you know?

  • Robert Wilson III

    I have to admit. While I agree with you, I also have no idea what a relationship means. I’m 24 and have never dated anyone longer than a month.

    I have a history of sabotaging opportunities, and pursuing girls I’m not super into. But I’m mentally fucked up from childhood and from having a narcissistic parent.

    Still, I wonder what it means to be in a relationship. I literally don’t know. It’s a big mystery to me. I will say though, from the outside looking in, it all looks a bit silly.

  • GeneralDisorder

    The only one it'll hurt besides him is his smartphone. Are you a robot sympathizer? Everyone get your pitchforks! Er, well I guess his mom and dad are probably eternally ashamed of him too. But maybe they're not robot sympathizers like you and don't care.

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