Nope: Python Crawls Through Toilet, Bites Man's Penis

May 31, 2016

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A man in Thailand recently sat down on his home's toilet to take care of some business when a python that had crawled through the toilet's plumbing bit his penis. That is terrible news. Especially because I always sit down to go to the bathroom, even if I'm just peeing. Now I have no choice but to pee and poop my pants for weeks until I forget this story. Thankfully, the man was able to pry the python off his penis, and admitted to the hospital for blood loss. The python also survived the attack, although rescue workers had to dismantle the toilet to free the snake. What the -- you can't let a penis-biter go loose! He's got the taste for wiener now.

Rescuers arrived to find the python's head hanging from the bathroom door, secured by a rope, with the rest of the snake still stuck in the squat toilet at the man's home in Chachoengsao Province, east of Bangkok.


Tapo, who has been working in rescue for more than six years, said he's seen snakes in toilets before, but never witnessed a scene quite like this one.


"This is all bizarre," he told CNN. "I had witnessed snakes [come] out of toilets many times, and when they bit [it] mostly would be at legs or butts. Not the penis, this is the first time."

Obviously, if a python tried to bite your penis it would choke to death because your penis is so big. See how nice I am to you? I am so nice to you and you are so mean to me. If you were writing this you'd probably say something about how I don't have to worry about a python biting my penis because it's not even big enough to be an appetizer and I would cry myself to sleep tonight know that, deep down, it's true and trying to figure out how you ever saw it in the first place. Did we have high school gym together?

Hit the jump for a gory shot of the bathroom.

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Thanks to everybody who sent this, who agree this is Indiana Jones' absolute worst nightmare.

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