Dang: Unicorns Were Real, Disappointing Looking

May 12, 2016


This is artist Heinrich Harder's interpretation of Elasmotherium sibiricum (aka the Siberian Unicorn), a giant land mammal that, until recently, scientists believe went extinct some 350,000 years ago. But with the discovery of a a skull in the Pavlodar region of Kazakhstan, scientists now believe the unicorn went extinct only 29,000 years ago, and walked alongside (or, more than likely, ran away from) modern humans. I would have lassoed one and tamed it and ridden it as my war mount.

Unfortunately, despite its sizable horn, the "Siberian unicorn" looked more like a rhinoceros than the mythical creature its nickname refers to. It was about 6 feet tall, 15 feet long, and weighed about 9,000 pounds, making it more comparable to a woolly mammoth than a horse.

That's exactly what I was about to say. If this thing was a unicorn then unicorns still exist and we just call them rhinos. The tears from these things are probably worthless for making potions. It's important to use only the purest ingredients or your potions can backfire. Case in point: One time I was making a love potion that called for the wings of a sparrow but I used leftover Hooter's hot wings instead and the girl that was supposed to fall in love with me stabbed me in the head six times and left me for dead.

Thanks to Christina, who agrees that does not look like the kind of unicorn any self-respecting princess would ride.

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