This is a video of a potential newly discovered species of octopus, found some 4,000-meters (~13,100-feet, ~2.5 miles) below sea level off the coast of Hawaii. For reference, Bikini Bottom is I don't know how deep because that information was surprisingly not included on the SpongeBob Wikipedia page. I DEMAND ANSWERS. Just kidding, I demand we bridge the gender pay gap. It's not okay.
The researchers weren't looking for ghost octopuses. They were collecting geological samples. But then they came upon this pale thing sitting on a rock.
The explorers said that this looked like a incirrate octopod, which doesn't have fins or cirri (filaments found on the creature's sucker).
They also said that unlike other octopods, this little Caspar-like creature didn't seem muscular.
The NOAA speculates that this is "almost certainly an undescribed species and may not belong to any described genus."
Exciting times! I can't find my car keys but scientists are finding new octopuses at the bottom of the middle of nowhere. We have to take care of planet earth -- that's the real message here. Wait, was that the real message here? "Turn the paper over." It says 'Give me all your money and you won't hurt.' Is this some sort of prank? Maybe I want to get hurt, you ever think of that? Last week I pulled my thumb back all the way until it broke. I'll do it again too just as soon as the cast comes off.
Keep going for a video of the little booger.
Thanks to Shaina, who has always dreamed of having an octopus friend. Me? I will take any friend. Even a rock.