Astronaut Gains 2-Inches In Height After Year In Space

March 3, 2016

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Astronaut Scott Kelly just returned to earth after spending 340 days aboard the International Space Station, and, among the things he brought back with him, are an extra 2-inches in height. Lucky! I wish I was a little bit taller. "I wish I was a baller." I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her. "I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat." Okay stop, that's all I remember.

Apparently, this was expected: freed from the bounds of gravity, a person's spine tends to elongate in weightlessness. Sadly, Kelly will not get to keep his height advantage for long now that he's back on Earth.

Yep, now that he's back on Earth, gravity will crush Scott's spine back to his pre-space days, along with his spirit in the process. And can you blame him? It's hard living on earth after being in space. I should know, I was born in space. Also, you want to grow two-inches without having in weightlessness space for a year? I've got just the thing for you. "That's a penis pump." But not just any penis pump. "A gas powered penis pump?" If it doesn't rip it off first, your penis will be the biggest it's ever been, guaranteed. Plus smell like gasoline (ladies love that).

Thanks to Marcus O, who spent spring break in space and all he got was this lousy airbrushed t-shirt. Hey, I kinda like that shirt.

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