Because monkeys are basically smaller, furrier people, a capuchin monkey in Brazil recently stole drinks of cachaça (aka aguardente -- an alcoholic beverage made from sugarcane) from glasses around a bar, grabbed a kitchen knife, chased customers with it, then took to the roof to sharpen the knife and amazingly not stab itself. Firefighters were called and were finally able to capture the monkey, which was released into a wildlife reserve, only to need to be recaptured after attacking local children. Clearly, this monkey has a problem. And that problem is not having a good drinking buddy like me to keep him in check. Come hang, little guy, I'll teach you how to play all the bar sports. Except darts, for obvious reasons.
Keep going for a video of the monkey waiting to drop the knife on somebody from the top of the roof.
Thanks to Marcus O, who has always dreamed of living in a place where getting stabbed by a drunk monkey is a very real possibility. Same here.