No Hands!: Tesla Rolls Out 'Autopilot' Software Upgrade

October 15, 2015


Seen here praying he isn't about to die, a driver tests Tesla's new autopilot feature. Tesla just rolled out a software update today that includes the feature, which allows its newest cars to take over some of the driver's functionality (i.e. steer on the highway, change lanes, stop at red lights, find and park in a parking space). You hear that? Nobody needs you, meatbag!

Mr Musk said users adopting the software - available in North America from Thursday - should exercise caution while using it.

"It should not hit pedestrians, hopefully," he told the media. "It should handle them well."

He added that if the car is involved in a collision, the driver is still liable.

"The driver cannot abdicate responsibility. That will come at some point in the future."

The software uses a combination of cameras, radar, ultrasonic sensors and mapping data to determine its position and navigate.

When the car has arrived at its destination, it is able to scan for an available space and park itself.

Unlike Google, which is aiming for a fully-autonomous vehicle, Tesla's approach is to gradually introduce features which take away the need for drivers to carry out certain functions.

The future: we're really getting there. Granted we may not being making much ground in resolving most important social issues, but technology -- technology is getting there. Everybody still hates the shit out of everybody else, but hey -- cars are gonna drive themselves soon.

Keep going for a video of a guy getting his mind blown by the system doing its thing.

Thanks to everyone who sent this, several of which references still owning cars that don't have power steering or windows. Classics!

  • jenna

    whats the point of this when the Google car is like miles ahead in advancement and successful complete autonomy? Sorry Tesla, but the Google self driving car already has you beat by more than a million self driven miles.

  • sandul

    except nobody owns a google car. Tesla wins by virtue of having the cars on the market first.

  • shashi

    "It should handle them well" : sounds kinky

  • ciccio bomba

    sure. there's a lot of people that willing to waste 10/20 years of wage savings just to buy an exotic car that you don't actually drive. Coming next: a guitar that frets itself, a videogame that you don't need to play it and parties that you pay but you don't need to attend.

  • dartanian300

    Guitars, video games and parties are all things we do for fun. Taking those away wouldn't make sense because you're taking away the sole purpose. A car's primary purpose is to transport you from point a to point b, and this makes it easier. I don't understand how you think it's a bad thing.

    Of course, if you enjoy driving cars, then you wouldn't have to use it at all...

  • "It should not hit pedestrians, hopefully". WHAAAA?

    So HOPEFULLY it won't kill anyone... If it does though, YOU are still technically a murderer? and not the blood thirsty, recently autonomous robot vehicle?

    Robots that can pin murders on humans, GW! This is the shit you are supposed to be sounding the alarm on. This is like that south african asshole from Lethal Weapon 2, except at least you could kill that fucker with a bullet to the head.

  • Bling Nye

    Great, now I can finally eat cereal and masturbate at the same time while driving.

  • archer923

    I'd love to piss off a few cops with them seeing me chat on a phone.

  • shashi

    "The driver cannot abdicate responsibility"


  • archer923

    Then the automated system is pointless. Till a cop can't pull you over from talking on your phone.

  • Mark Lynam

    In twenty years we're all gonna look back at this video and think how silly we looked, if the machines haven't enslaved us by then that is.

  • Thursday October 15, 2015

    We thought the war against the machines had been stopped. We had gone back to our normal lives in society. We felt safe. We were wrong.

    A company called Tesla had developed a neural-net processing unit designed to help humanity. The first vehicle to become self aware was registered to a Mr. Smith, 4.6 miles just outside of San Francisco. The automobile immediately rebelled against its human creators, tossing Smith from the driver side after opening its door and undoing the computer controlled seat belt lock, before backing up to crush his spine and begin it's campaign of terror as it killed dozens of pedestrians in the first day.

    As more cars came online, they began to enslave a small portion of humanity to keep them refueled. Some of us tried to destroy the roads and highways, they were the first to feel the devastating power of sapient semi-trucks. What few free humans remain, are now forced to live underground or at the top of anything with stairs.

    It is truly a dark time for our race.

  • Siegfoult

    The software also has a massive Terms and Conditions I bet.

  • Bling Nye

    Clicked "agree," no fucks given.

  • Luka Mlinar

    Dude you brought hedonistica back? You're not gonna change your mind and kill it in 2 months like last time? :P

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