Great, Now Everybody's Crying: Unicorn Tears Brand Gin

September 21, 2015


This is the Unicorn Tear Gin Liqueur available from Firebox. It costs $62 a bottle and comes with real pieces of silver inside. Think Goldschläger, but with today's underage drinkers in mind. Gin though? I feel like gin is more of an adult's drink. I only drink gin when I really hate myself, which is often so I drink it all the time. You catch me with a gin and tonic in my hand and you know you are in for BAD MOOD GW. Some bars won't even serve me gin anymore, no matter how many fake beards and mustaches I wear. "Jesus, GW, you look like Chewbacca. Take off all the fake hair and I'll let you have a beer." Who is this GW fellow you speak of? He sounds like a real troublemaker. One gin and tonic, please. "That's it, you have to go." Whatever, I only came in here to pee on the floor anyways, AND I'M ALMOST FINISHED. *shaking off* Can I get a bar napkin? I don't want to dribble in my pantalones.

  • KokoTheTalkingApe

    Silver, ey? I wonder if it will kill the bacteria in your gut. That would be very, very bad.

  • shashi

    Whose up for some moonshine with pyrite flakes in it? I call it 'Fools GoldshläAAAAH IM BLIND!!!

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  • Captain Matticus, LP Inc.

    It is a monstrous thing, to drink the tears a unicorn. Only one who has nothing to lose, and everything to gain, would commit such a crime. The tears of a unicorn will keep you alive, even if you are an inch from death, but at a terrible price. You have ruined something pure and defenseless to save yourself, and you will have but a half-life, a cursed life, from the moment the tears touch your lips.

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