The End Of An Era: Kermit And Miss Piggy Officially Split

August 4, 2015


Seen here during happier times, Kermit and Miss Piggy have officially announced their breakup. Maybe Miss Piggy finally saw through Kermit's promise that just one more kiss and he'll turn into a prince. Or maybe Kermit just got tired of Miss Piggy's diva attitude. Or maybe it was mutual. No word how they'll divide their friends, but I'm going with whoever gets to keep Animal.

Kermit and Miss Piggy personally informed members of the press at the live event, where Kermit revealed that he's now seeing another pig in ABC's marketing department.

"It's a day-by-day, moment-by-moment process," Kermit said. "Piggy and I have gone our separate ways romantically."

Miss Piggy then appeared to give her side of the story, putting all blame (of course) on Kermit's shortcomings. ""Dating moi is like flying close to the sun," she snorted. "It was inevitable that Kermit would drop down to the ground while I stayed in the heavens."

Kermit's Official Statement:

After careful thought, thoughtful consideration and considerable squabbling, Miss Piggy made the difficult decision to terminate our romantic relationship. We will continue to work together on television ("The Muppets"/Tuesdays 8pm this fall on ABC) and in all media now known or hereafter devised, in perpetuity, throughout the universe. However, our personal lives are now distinct and separate, and we will be seeing other people, pigs, frogs, et al. This is our only comment on this private matter. Thank you for your understanding.

Wow, I can't believe this is actually happening. Maybe love isn't real after all. Maybe love, like the cake, is a lie. Maybe the pitter-patter you feel in your heart when you think about that special someone is really just a mini heart attack trying to warn you that relationships only end in heartbreak. Maybe I'm just bitter. Maybe I don't have a heart. Maybe I have a penis where my heart should be. That would at least explain the doctor's face when he saw my x-rays.

Thanks to everyone who sent this, at least half of which expressed an interest in a long bath, a bottle of wine, and a good cry.

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