What A Novel Concept: Virgin Opens First Hotel, SELLS MINI-BAR ITEMS AT STREET PRICES

July 14, 2015

virgin-hotel-minibar.jpg

In news that will shake the hospitality industry to its very core, Virgin just opened its first hotel in Chicago and is selling mini-bar items at the same price you can buy them at the corner store. This marks the first time in history anybody will actually buy something from the mini-bar without being f***ing trashed and/or convinced they'll be able to replace the item from a nearby 7-11 before they get charged for it.

All of the items -- from the Peanut M&M's to the red wine to the little packets of Emergen-C -- are priced at street prices. Yes, street prices. What does that mean? It means those Peanut M&M's are just $1 and the bottle of red wine is $24. It means you can have a Kind bar for breakfast for the price of a Kind bar ($2.25), not the price of a filet mignon.

Smart move. You see, the key to creating a memorable hotel experience is getting people to STAY IN THEIR ROOM. You don't want them leaving. The more time people spend in their room, the more likely they are TO HAVE SEX IN THAT ROOM. And the more sex people have in a room, the more likely they are to associate your hotel brand with HAVING A GREAT TIME. That's how you make a customer for life. I remember all my fondest hotel stays have ended with me checking out and looking back to see the maids donning HAZMAT suits to go clean the room.

Thanks to Rahul, who agrees those two hospitality classes I took in business school clearly didn't go to waste.

  • Tony Milano

    but hey, nothing tastes so good as a 7 dollars snickers

  • ProphetFlume

    This is the most backwards policy for Virgin, who usually offer extravagant, overpriced things specifically catered to rich people who don't care about the cost.

  • dougfunnay

    yeah but how much is the room?
    either way smart move

  • Xockszky

    I wouldn't keep my food in something with the brand name "Smeg".

  • Cup-O-Jesus

    THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICED. ALSO, DIDN'T LOOK AT THE SCREEN TO SEE THAT I WAS TYPING ALL CAPS BUT NOW I DON'T CARE I'M JUST GONNA GO WITH IT! I KINDA LIKE IT, AND WILL PROBABLY SPEND ALL DAY CAPS-TYPING! IT'S LIKE HONKING YOUR HORN FOR NO REASON! ADDITIONALLY, AS I READ THIS BACK TO MYSELF I AM, IN MY MIND, SHOUTING FOR THE HEARING IMPAIRED! LIKE, IF I WAS READING THIS OUT LOUD IT WOULD BE LIKE "I AM SHOUTING THIS OUT LOUD TO THE HEARING IMPAIRED! YOU ARE HEARING IMPAIRED! I AM SHOUTING TO YOU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING AFTER THE SHOUT! DO YOU WANT TO GET A DRINK OR SOMETHING! NO! ARE YOU SURE! WE COULD DO SOMETHING ELSE! I DON’T KNOW WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO! I’M UP FOR ANYTHING!”! WHEN I READ THIS BACK THIS TIME IT WAS WILL FARRELL SHOUTING IN MY MIND! AND HE KNOWS HE IS SHOUTING BUT HE HAS A MEDICAL CONDITION AND HE CAN’T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF HIS VOICE! HE IS CONSOLING A FEMALE FRIEND AT A RESTURANT BECAUSE HER BEST FRIEND JUST COMMITTED SUICIDE IN A REALLY EMBARASSING WAY, LIKE SOMETHING SEXUAL OR SOMETHING! WILL IS OFFERING WORDS OF COMFORT AND DESCRIBING HOW THE WOMAN DIED IN GRAPHIC DETAIL! THE WHOLE RESTURANT IS UNAVOIDABLY HEARING THE SALACIOUS SPECIFICS OF THIS PERVERSELY SEXUAL SUICIDE AND THE FEMALE FRIEND IS HORRIFIED AND JUST WANTS HIM TO SHUT UP BUT HE IS BEING SO NICE, NON-JUDGEMENTAL AND SUPPORTIVE THAT SHE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO SHUT HIM DOWN WITHOUT OFFENDING HIM! SHE KEEPS TRYING TO POLITELY HINT THAT SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE AND IT’S NOT WORKING! SO SHE TRIES OTHER WAYS TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT LIKE TALKING ABOUT CONTROVERSIAL TOPICS LIKE ABORTION OR IMMIGRATION! FINALLY SHE TAKES AN INSANELY RACIST STANCE ON THE CONFEDERATE FLAG ISSUE AND FERREL IS OUTRAGED! HE FLIES AROUND THE RESTURANT IN A FROTHING FURY, ASSAULTING FOOD, FURNITURE, AND FACES IN A HOLOCAUST OF BLIND, INARTICULATE DESTRUCTION! THEN WHEN WILL IS WRESTLED TO THE GROUND AND BEATEN BY PATRONS, HE TURNS TO THE CAMERA AND SAYS “LIVE! FROM NEW YORK! IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!”!
    AT LEAST THAT’S HOW I HEAR IT! IN MY MIND I MEAN!

  • A couple years ago, we got stuck in Georgia (the country, not the state) en route to Afghanistan. We stayed in a nice hotel, and ate/drank the shit out of the mini bar. No fucks given. State Department picked up the tab.

  • Jenness

    Finally, someone using common sense.

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