Lead Balloons are balloons printed with rude phrases to hurt a friend's feelings on their birthday. Or any day. They cost about a dollar apiece and come in "Bastard", "Another Year Closer To The Sweet Release Of Death" and "You Are A Waste Of Blood And Organs" varieties, with "Don't Forget, You Are A Terrible Human Being" balloons coming soon. I would love if somebody got me one of these for my birthday. You know the Golden Girls theme song?
Travel down the road and back again.
Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant.
And if you threw a party,
invited everyone you knew.
You would see the biggest gift would be from me
and the card attached would say,
thank you for being a friend.
First of all, if I threw a party and invited everyone I knew, nobody would show up. But let's say they did. And let's say in this bizarro world they actually brought presents. It wouldn't be the biggest or most expensive present that matters, it would be the present from the person who understands me the most. In this case, the one who bought me a single "You Are A Waste Of Blood And Organs" balloon with a card attached that says 'No thank you for being a dipshit.' That person gets me. The week after my party I will send them a thank you card telling them how badly I want to stab them, which they will also appreciate because we're two peas in a pod and should probably be wearing BFF necklaces.