Hickies ($15 - $18 for fourteen, depending on style) are little elastic straps that replace conventional shoelaces, and can turn any pair of shoes into slip-ons. Remember those laces from the 80's that looked like curly fries that you didn't have to tie either? Those were the tits. Hickies can be laced in a bunch of different ways depending on high tight or loose you want your shoes to fit. Alternatively, just admit you never learned to tie your shoes in the first place and get some Velcro ones like a normal 20-something year old child. There is no shame in Velcro. There is shame in putting your shoes on the wrong feet though, so double check before you leave for work in the morning. I actually got fired from a job for that once. "What was the job?" Footwear model.
Keep going for another shot and some weird ass video.
Thanks to Elizabeth B, who ties her shoes the old fashioned way: begging her mom to do it for her. Ahahahahaha, I still do that when I go home to visit too.