This is the $320 Zubin Axe Survival Staff. It comes with a hickory wood staff, and six interchangeable heads for wrecking shop when you're out partying naked in the woods. They include: axe, sawblade, compass, fishing spear, hunting spear, and slingshot. Unfortunately, there are no GPS or satellite phone attachments in the event you really do find yourself up Shit Creek. Which brings me to my next complaint: no paddle attachment.
Thanks to Jeffrey S, who doesn't need anything but his instincts to survive in the woods because he is a bear.