Guy On Craigslist Needs Help Beating Super Mario World

January 16, 2015


You had me at whiskey and donuts.

Note: Been sick all week, going back to the doctor now. Might be around this weekend to post some, but if not, I'll be ready to melt your faces off (with a tank-mounted flamethrower) on Monday.

This is the Craigslist ad posted by some sad sack of shit who can't beat Vanilla Dome in Super Mario World for the Super Nintendo. Vanilla Dome, seriously? Are you only playing with your tongue or something? Now listen -- I won't come beat it for you, but I will come over and TEACH you how to beat it. How does that sound? You know what they say -- give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day, but TEACH a man to fish, then you have a fishing buddy and you two can go out drinking and do fun stuff together. I'm saying I need a friend.

Thanks to JESTOR, ed and SourCream (mmmm!), none of which responded to my call for help with the last palace in Zelda II: The Adventure of Link.

  • Slate Revolver

    Awesome, I comlpetely understand. That's the only level of Super Mario World I can't do. When I finally do manage to get past the wizard assholes and fuck up getting through the short cut door, I choke on the boss.

    Had to have somebody else beat it for me of course so I could do the lower bridge levels

  • dmoney

    I once invited this older neighborhood kid over to beat a boss in Zelda for NES... Man was that game tough.

  • Guest

    can't tell if looking for friend or hookup, respond at own risk gw may get more than you planned for

  • David Gabel

    Whiskey and Donuts eh? Sounds like a fair method of payment.

  • Peter Schmidt

    So are you dead yet? You old bag of balls.

  • kevin

    Yo hope you get better GW.

  • True story, I once sat down and played thought that entire game, in about 6 hours, 100% the entire thing... while tripping on lsd. Ah, college. Good times.

  • disqus_k2QxOV9H7Z

    Beat Vanilla Dome for a man and you will get whiskey and donuts until he runs out of games. Teach him how to beat games by himself and you only get whiskey and donuts once.

  • kevin


  • Just wait until he reach the "Tubular" level...

  • Xockszky

    When I was a kid, I not only beat Vanilla Dome, but the entire game, AND the star road, as well as most of the other secret exits! Apparently a 10 year old in the mid '90s (before online walkthroughs and such) can play games better than an adult who has access to walkthroughs.

    I wonder what game he was trying to play when he broke his Super Nintendo?

  • Jeremy Tilton

    Yep, me too. All 96. Once I realized that red dots = 2 exits and ghost houses have 2 exits (except for the one that has 3), I got them all.

    Though Tubular was probably the hardest level of them all.

  • Slate Revolver

    Tip that fedora some more you massive nerd.

  • Jenness

    Ad sounds like a setup for a gamer-hating serial killer to go nuts on someone or a creative personal ad to see if any chicks apply. Or both.

  • Frédéric Purenne

    Looking forward to a face-melting-tank-mounted flamethrower on Monday!

    Also, props to the guy for not rage-quitting.

  • Frédéric Purenne

    Dear diary,

    this Monday is rapidly coming to an end and I'm losing hope. I keep pressing F5 but no face-melting-tank-mounted flamethrower is to be seen yet. But that's not what makes me lose hope.
    GW said he was simply sick but I can feel there is something else. What could he be hiding from us? What unending pain is he going through, alone... Is he okay? Will he ever return? Will I ever read another line of wisdom from his perfect hobo-penmanship?

    With a bowl of Cheetos and another tab opened in incognito mode, I weep.

  • MustacheHam

    Get well GW.

  • Jeremy Tilton

    From that spot in the 2nd image: Hold Right + X + A.


    You uhh...also missed a lot of exits.

  • AfroBonsai

    I can be your friend buddy.

  • BehindYou

    Don't call me 'buddy', friend.

  • Kelha

    I'm not you're 'friend,' guy.

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