No Officer, I Swear: Fabric Treated To Permanently Smell Like Whiskey

December 4, 2014


Because who hasn't dreamed of smelling like whiskey all the time, the Heriot Watt University's School of Textiles and Design teamed up with Harris Tweed and Johnny Walker to develop a fabric that permanently smells like Johnny Walker Black. Alternatively, pour a shot on yourself before going out. PROTIP: this method also works for beer and tequila (trust me, I've independently verified this fact on numerous occasions).

The tweed carries aromas of "rich malt, golden vanilla, red fruit and dark chocolate tones" and has been designed to reflect the colors of the whisky ingredients. The scent is layered into the fabric throughout the finishing process and is permanently imbued in the tweed that will not go off even after dry cleaning.

You know what would be even cooler than a fabric that smells like whiskey all the time? A fabric that smells like just about anything else all the time. Listen -- I love whiskey as much as the next man who's convinced his liver is a supervillain and must be stopped, but that doesn't mean I want to smell like it constantly. I want to smell powder. Or a pot roast. FUN FACT: If I don't shower for more than two days I start to smell like a chili cheese dog with onions. LOTS of onions. That is 100% true and you can come smell my armpits if you don't believe me. I will charge you $10 though, because I would like to get my water turned back on eventually.

Keep going for a shot of Mr. Dapper McBlowyhair sporting the fabric.


  • Emmitt Morgans

    If this becomes a trend, it looks like I can FINALLY make some money selling clothing on eBay: all my clothes smell like booze!

  • adfasdfadfs

    my armpits smell like cake...i don't know why. it scares me

  • Xockszky

    Wearing clothes that smell like booze is a VERY bad idea!

  • The_Wretched

    I require my sex partners to skip junk food and heavily seasoned foods for at least 24 hours before play time. I won't play with anyone who smells like they get most of the fat in their diet from McD. Y'all who do that smell like a metabolic disorder or like someone near death.

  • SerenityNick

    Vegans......good lord man.

  • The_Wretched

    I need be only for 24 hours. It gives them time to reflect on their service as well.

  • Jenness

    I would heavily suggest you bring that up on every date to warn potential partners so they can chow down on delicious curry & siracha before a date.

    This way they won't be bothered with the subsequent "Ok honey, now, let's both shower vigorously using my special antibacterial loofahs, then you need to use these various internal cleansing douches so that you can be ready to be entered by Mr. FussyPants. Oh, and please don't move, make noises or have an orgasm because then I'll have to stop and hose us both down with sanitizer so you nasty lady essence won't get on me."

    Because that's hot.

    (I get the whole not wanting to date people who are lard asses who live on junk food but 24 hours no-sex ban after heavily seasoned foods is so WTF)

  • The_Wretched

    I like enthusiasm and normal body smells just fine. It's the walking metabolic disasters that's the problem.

  • Jenness

    WTH is a walking metabolic disaster?

  • The_Wretched

    You've never smelled someone who doesn't eat right? I wish I were that lucky.

  • Jenness

    Hmmm. I've smelled foreigners who don't bathe right?? No amount of hot can fix that either - how they don't notice their armpits smell like dead possums is beyond me.

  • Pistol Pete

    "Man, was I constipated."

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