Because Japan: Breast Beautifying Hand On A Stick

December 16, 2014


This is the Oppai Taisou Hand, a $28 piece of plastic that's supposed to make your breasts look and feel better. From what I can tell from the pictures, it it works by dragging back fat around and adding it to your tits. That, of course, makes no sense. Thankfully, there's an even shiftier explanation:

Shindo explains that a woman's breasts are strung up by ligaments, and if these ligaments don't get sufficient movement, the fats in the breast will start to settle back against the chest muscles, resulting in unshapely, or even sagging boobies.

Oppai Hagashi supposedly detaches the breast ligaments from the chest muscles and directs the fats back to where they belong, restoring shape, while Oppai Yurashi resets the tension in the ligaments holding up the breasts, thus regaining elasticity and perkiness. The massage also improves blood circulation, which promotes healthier, beautifully shaped breasts.

Hey, I'm all for healthier, beautifully shaped breasts. I'm going to get one of these for my girlfriend for Christmas. Then as soon as she unwraps it I'm gonna snatch it away, break it over my knee and say, "Hey -- I've got two perfectly good hands right here, baby!" She will laugh, and I will look down at two mangled and bloodied hands from Christmas Eve's fireworks mishap.

Keep going for one more picture of the I have no clue.


Thanks to Monkeys with Guns, who's infinitely more terrifying than Monkeys with Rocks.

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