Teen Working At Pizza Joint Arrested For Rubbing His Balls On Customer's Pizza IN FRONT OF HIM

September 19, 2014

pizza-junk-rub.jpg

Picture related: Pizza with nuts on it.

18-year old Austin Michael Symonds was arrested after a customer caught him rubbing his balls on the pizza he had just ordered. Apparently Austin was pissed the customer had placed an order right before closing, and decided to take matters into his own hands scrotum. Although why he was rubbing his balls on a pizza where a customer could see him is beyond me. Generally speaking though, the people who will rub their testicles on food to spite someone aren't the brightest.

Brent Bradley told cops that when he arrived at Papa Murphy's pizza in Georgetown, a city 25 miles north of Austin, he spotted worker Austin Michael Symonds "rubbing his testicles on the pizza he had ordered," according to a criminal complaint detailing the September 2 incident.


When confronted by the customer--who was there to pick up a large stuffed pie with Canadian bacon, pineapple, and extra cheese--the 18-year-old Symonds immediately apologized. "Man, I am really sorry, that was stupid," Symonds said, according to the complaint.

Bradley then asked Symonds how old he was. After the teenager answered that he was 18, Bradley said, "So you are old enough to know better than to put your balls on someone's pizza." "Yes," said Symonds.

Man, caught red-handed red-balled, that sucks. Thankfully for Austin's testicles though, he worked at a Papa Murphy's, which sells take-and-bake pizzas instead of already cooked ones, so there was no chance of burning his change-purse on the pizza. Although maybe that would have been for the best. You scorch your nuts once and you'll think twice before dunking them in somebody else's French onion soup.

Thanks to GIBB, who agrees if you really want to rub your nuts on something, make it a soft towel after a shower.

  • quatro

    That kid has balls.

  • I bet there are some people in the world who would pay extra for that.
    But why get the police involved? Haven't they got better things to do?

  • Guest
  • Ivan

    that is a ballsy move I mean you have to have some balls to do that (specially in front of the client), second, how do you manage to rub your balls in a pizza pie, did he squad or grab his ball to do it standing

  • dougfunnay

    you tell me
    you seem to be the expert on balls

  • Guest

    BAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLS

  • Guest

    The kid should have claimed it was art-- he would have gotten an NEA endowment for his trouble.

  • The_Wretched

    the 1980's are calling...it's for you.

  • o0THX11380o

    Thats why I never truly enjoy food that I buy.

  • asdfadfs

    THAT ASSHOLE! Coming in during posted business hours, forcing me to do my job for the hours I've agreed to and been paid to work. He deserves to eat my nutsweat. thats right asshole, enjoy your pizza... unknowingly lick my balls by the transitive property, give them a good once over. and

    SHIT

    you're...you're uh..here a bit early, pizzas not done yet.

  • o0THX11380o

    minimum wage really brings out the best in people.

  • The_Wretched

    Did he do the rubbing before or after it was cooked?

  • JK

    Read the 2nd last paragraph

  • The_Wretched

    I don't want to.

  • JJtoob

    Reading comprehension fail.

  • The_Wretched

    Only if i actually read it. I was enjoying the idea of the hot melted cheese roasting his chestnuts. Maybe we could chip in and buy him a fondue pot?

  • JJtoob

    He should have added some extra gravy, some fromunda cheese, garlic salt, and alfalfa sprouts, but not guacamole because you can't mix Mexican and Continental.

  • I think I'd honestly rather have a decent pizza with balls rubbed on it than the pizza in the picture above. Mushrooms, asparagus, and nuts? Where I come from, calling that a pizza will get you a slap in the mouth.

  • The Magnificent Newtboy

    I just can't think of a good enough testicles pun. It's driving me nuts.

  • Audrey Walter

    @disqus_MtZB2rmDMT:disqus If you think Lois`s story is unbelievable,, four weeks ago my cousins boyfriend also made $8849 grafting fifteen hours a week from there house and there roomate's step-sister`s neighbour has done this for 10-months and actually earned over $8849 parttime from there mac. use the guidelines from this website,.. http://CASHFESTIVAL2014LINES...

  • asdfadfs

    odd...I did say lois's story was unbelievable. I also accused her of being a camwhore or some sort of online prostitute and now its come back with stories of some boyfriend pulling off the same thing.

    are the scambot getting smarter?

    not smart enough to reply to the right person but still.

    ...maybe we need to start killing these things before they become self aware enough to come after us with the robot apocalypse...gw. get on this shit. story time.

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