Jack The Ripper Allegedly Identified Via DNA Evidence

September 8, 2014


According to DNA samples obtained from a blood-soaked shawl by one of the victims, some forensic scientists allege they've identified the 1888 serial killer Jack the Ripper. The culprit? A Polish immigrant named Aaron Kosminski (who has always been one of the six major suspects). Never trust anyone named Aaron -- that's the real lesson here. "HEY!" All you Aarons, please, like we don't know you're just going to lie to us.

Now, with the help of the latest developments in forensic science, DNA evidence on the shawl of Catherine Eddowes, one of Jack the Ripper's victims, has shown that one of the key suspects in the Whitechapel killings was indeed Jack the Ripper.

According to Mirror UK, Louhelainen compared the 126-year-old DNA from the victim's shawl to the DNA of the victim's relatives as well as the DNA from the suspects' relatives and found one of the suspect's in the case was a perfect match - a Polish immigrant named Aaron Kosminski who moved to London from Russia in the early 1880′s.

Kosminski was a 23-year-old hairdresser in London when the killings took place, and he resided a few hundred yards away from one of the victims' residence. Reports say that Kosminski was most likely a paranoid schizophrenic. At the time of the murders, the police had no evidence to convict Kosminski, but he was kept under surveillance and stayed in mental asylums until his death.

So there you have it -- Jack the Ripper was a Polish immigrant hairdresser and not a time-traveling sicko like most experts suspected. "No experts suspected that." Well I did. "Yeah, but you're, well...you know." WHAT? WHAT AM I?! SPIT IT OUT. "Not that smart." Oh, I thought you were going to say something else. Yeah, I'm pretty f***ing stupid. If I were a crayon, you know which one I'd be? "The dullest one in the box?" Worse. "The one your dog ate and is coming out as little colorful pieces mixed with shit?" Exactly. I'm the crayon adding a pop of color to a dog's turds.

Thanks to Dave and Genevieve, who agree they might have solved this one just a little too late.

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