So today's my birthday. It's my 640th year on this planet as an immortal warlock. I actually wrote all these articles yesterday so I could go out and celebrate my birthday at midnight, so, honestly, there's no telling where I am right now. Was there a guy sleeping on your couch this morning? That could have been me. There's also the possibility I'm in a holding cell at the police station (send a cake with a file inside, STAT). More than likely though I'm asleep on the bathroom floor. So cold, so good. Hopefully I didn't leave the shower running this time. I should return after I'm up, but if not just pretend Santa texted me and told me you haven't been good enough to deserve it. You need to start acting right if you want anything but a stocking full of reindeer shit for Christmas. Another year down -- damn, I need to start doing something with my life. "Like what?" I'm leaning towards sleeping more. Happy birthday to me, I'll assume your gift will just be arriving a day or two late because you always wait till the last minute like someone who only KIND OF cares. *taking deep breath to blow out candles* I wish you could learn to love me.