The Plot Thickens: Bigfoot Does Not Exist, Yetis Might

July 8, 2014


After extensive DNA testing of hair samples attributed to Bigfoot and Yetis, scientists have successfully identified the animals they actually came from. Of course (and despite my misleading title), just because the hair samples attributed to Bigfoot aren't from an unknown species doesn't conclusively prove he doesn't exist, it just means people get way too f***ing excited when they find a clump of hair in the woods.

Genetic analysis of hair attributed to Bigfoot found no support for that claim, but hairs linked to the Yeti were determined to belong to a mysterious bear species that may not yet be known to science.

The supposed Bigfoot hairs were found to belong to the following: a raccoon, sheep, American black bear, North American porcupine, wolf, coyote, dog, white-tailed deer, mule deer, horse, cow and human.

Hairs attributed to Russian Almas (aka "wild men") belonged to a brown bear, horse, cow, American black bear, brown bear and a raccoon.

Hairs attributed to an Orang Pendek (aka "short person") belonged to a Malaysian tapir.

Hairs linked to the Yeti belonged to a serow, (a goat antelope), and to the mysterious bear.

So, the Yeti might be a bear (which I previously mentioned in this article). That might not be as exciting as a real-life wampa or some sort of furry humanoid, but at least it's something. Something I plan to trap THEN BEAT THE LOCATION OF HIS POT OF GOLD OUT OF HIM. "Sure you're not thinking of a leprechaun?" Honestly, I don't know what my brain is doing anymore. When I woke up this morning I thought I was on a boat for like ten minutes.

Thanks to Brendan and E V I L A R E S, who I have every intention of bringing along for the expedition in case shit goes sour and I need to kill and eat them to survive. Sorry guys.

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