Ancient Neanderthal Turd Reveals Early Human Diet

June 27, 2014


Hey kid, great job with the wood but I'm trying to drop a deuce over here.

An ancient Neanderthal turd found in Spain has revealed that our ancestors ate not only meat like some scientists previously thought, but a mix of fruits, berries, nuts and tubers. Basically anything they could get their hands on. Hell, one time I got lost in the woods for an hour and was already eating tree bark and trying to flavor my urine.

By analyzing samples of the fecal matter, the researchers found "animal-derived cholesterol" but also phytosterol, a compound from plants. This, they say is the "first direct evidence that Neanderthals may have enjoyed an omnivorous diet."

A chemical analysis indicated a "significant plant intake," researchers said.

"In the end it would not be surprising to find that Neanderthals show little difference from sapiens in their diet composition," he said in the statement.

Yeah, so the next time one of your rabid carnivorous friends suggests an all-meat diet is appropriate because it's what early humans did, you can just point them to this article. Or remind them that early humans are all f***ing dead. Or just say screw it and both go out for a steak dinner. "Okay, the porterhouse medium rare -- and what side would you like with that?" A ribeye.

Thanks to Jonesy, who wishes he could have seen the look on the scientist's face when he discovered the turd and knew he was holding on to something special.

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