A Giant Cannibal Great White Ate That Other Great White

June 10, 2014

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Scientists now believe a much larger cannibal great white ate the shit out of that other 9-foot great white shark (previously: this case of the same thing happening that I reused the photo for). You might recall that was actually my first guess. Now I'm not saying I deserve an honorary doctorate in marine biology or anything, but what's the harm in giving me at least a bachelor's or master's? I care about the oceans. "You said fill them with concrete." And I stand by that.

It was only after further study of the bigger migrating great whites that came into the area where the 9-footer was killed when they finally could guess the identity of the mysterious killer.


The scientists claim their new research data matched all of the tracking information from the disappeared shark: The body temperature of these migrating great whites was the same, and the size of the cannibal great white shark--which they estimated to be 16 foot long and weigh over 2 tons--could easily pull off the same speed and trajectory captured in the tracking device.

As for why a larger shark would cannibalize a smaller shark, the documentary suggested theories about how it could have been attacked. Maybe it was a territorial dispute. Perhaps even a hunger induced attack.

So there you have it, it was a 16-foot, 2-ton cannibal great white. For reference, Jaws was about 25-feet, and I wouldn't want to take a bath with either of them. I would take a bath with a sea turtle though. That would be fun. Unfortunately, the bathtub in my apartment is too gross for me to feel comfortable taking baths. There are like, slime monsters that live in there. "Buy some cleaning products." I have! "And?" And I huff them and then wake up on the bathroom floor with a headache.

Thanks to Lexie, Frank and Chris. W. ,who agree the key to winning a shark fight is one well-placed blow to the nose.

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