Why's Everone Around Here Dress Like They're From The Matrix?: FBI Hiring Stoners To Help Fight Hackers

May 22, 2014

fbi-cannabis-hiring-policy.jpg

The FBI is currently having to reconsider their zero-tolerance policy on cannabis smokers because apparently some of the best and brightest anti-hackers like to get high. Including before coming to work or an interview. Man, I remember the first time I showed up for an interview stoned. "How did that go?" Two days late.

But FBI Director James B. Comey said Monday that if the FBI hopes to continue to keep pace with cyber criminals, the organization may have to loosen up its no-tolerance policy for hiring those who like to smoke marijuana.


"I have to hire a great work force to compete with those cyber criminals and some of those kids want to smoke weed on the way to the interview," Mr. Comey said.

Mr. Comey said that the agency was "grappling with the question right now" of how to amend the agency's marijuana policies, which excludes from consideration anyone who has smoked marijuana in the previous three years, according to the FBI's Web site. One conference goer asked Mr. Comey about a friend who had shied away from applying because of the policy. "He should go ahead and apply," despite the marijuana use, Mr. Comey said.

FBI Director: Jesus GW, it wreaks in here! Have you been smoking IN the office?
GW: Chill out man, I used a spoof.
FBI Director: Dammit, just forget it -- how's it coming with those cyber-hackers?
GW: I'm about to bust them right this second.
FBI Director: On eBay?
GW: Man I have been trying to find this record for f***ing EVER.
FBI Director: Ugh -- remind me why I hired you.
GW: Our dads play golf together.
FBI Director: Oh, right.
GW: Oh dude.
FBI Director: What?
GW: DUDE!
FBI Director: WHAT?!
GW: Chipotle.

Thanks to my buddy Yousri, who is a lawyer somehow.

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