The Pope Will Baptize Aliens If They Ask For It

May 15, 2014


In news that's sure to be the talk of the galaxy, Pope Francis (seen here looking suspiciously like an aged Fonzie) has announced he would baptize aliens if they asked for it. But only if they asked for it. Me? I'm going to find and blow up their home world whether they ask for it or not. Whatever aliens, you should forgive me because that's what Jesus would do. Yeah, and he would also bring me food and wine. Ooh -- and rub my feet.

During his weekly homily on Monday, Franics said that aliens -- which he imagines could be "Green, with that long nose and big ears, just like children paint them" -- should be baptized just like anyone else who asks for it, because it's not up to any human to decide who should receive the Holy Spirit.

The Vatican's astronomer -- the same one who dismissed 'Intelligent Design' as 'bad theology' -- said in 2010 that he'd baptize an alien because "any entity - no matter how many tentacles it has - has a soul."

The message wasn't meant to be alien-specific necessarily, but to illustrate that the church shouldn't refuse any outsiders who want God in their lives. At least I think. There's also the possibility that the Pope knows something we don't. You ever read The Da Vinci Code? Wasn't that about aliens? "Not at all." Dammit, I didn't read it. But in my mind it's about the church and an alien conspiracy.

Thanks to tony pepparoni, who would be delicious on an Italian sub.

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