The Pope Will Baptize Aliens If They Ask For It

May 15, 2014


In news that's sure to be the talk of the galaxy, Pope Francis (seen here looking suspiciously like an aged Fonzie) has announced he would baptize aliens if they asked for it. But only if they asked for it. Me? I'm going to find and blow up their home world whether they ask for it or not. Whatever aliens, you should forgive me because that's what Jesus would do. Yeah, and he would also bring me food and wine. Ooh -- and rub my feet.

During his weekly homily on Monday, Franics said that aliens -- which he imagines could be "Green, with that long nose and big ears, just like children paint them" -- should be baptized just like anyone else who asks for it, because it's not up to any human to decide who should receive the Holy Spirit.

The Vatican's astronomer -- the same one who dismissed 'Intelligent Design' as 'bad theology' -- said in 2010 that he'd baptize an alien because "any entity - no matter how many tentacles it has - has a soul."

The message wasn't meant to be alien-specific necessarily, but to illustrate that the church shouldn't refuse any outsiders who want God in their lives. At least I think. There's also the possibility that the Pope knows something we don't. You ever read The Da Vinci Code? Wasn't that about aliens? "Not at all." Dammit, I didn't read it. But in my mind it's about the church and an alien conspiracy.

Thanks to tony pepparoni, who would be delicious on an Italian sub.

  • Rick Thomas

    an alien is going to arrive and claim to be the second coming of christ. It's going to be like Stargate but with Christian mythology.

  • DrZanz

    What a stupid, stupid pope. I almost prefer the popes who believed we were strictly the only 'intelligent' life in the universe to one who actually thinks aliens would think any of our beliefs are going to have an effect on them such that they want to convert. I can't even begin to fathom the ridiculously naive stupidity of it.

  • Neolardo

    He sort of looks like that guy from GI JOE (the live action movie, the second one) who played the president.

  • Captain Matticus, LP Inc.

    I think the Pope is a little optimistic here. These aliens will have traveled hundreds, if not thousands or tens of thousands of light years. They will have seen all sorts of religious beliefs and non-beliefs during their journeys. The idea that these obviously advanced creatures will be mesmerized by the tales of a magic, self-fathering zombie is a little far-fetched, especially since 66% of the people on this planet don't even go for that.

    They'd probably be more interested in a Taco Bell menu than a Bible.

  • zin

    What if the aliens themselves are magic self-fathering zombies?
    And then what if they're allergic to water?

  • asdfasdf

    not necessarily, other groups converted(not all of them at swordpoint) often enough. one or 2 might go for it here and there considering all the possible populated planets and such. the odd thing would be if absolutely none did.

  • ODwanKenObi

    he'd baptize an alien because "any entity - no matter how many tentacles it has - has a soul."

    Does this mean he could baptize dogs, cats, dolphins, octopodes, monkeys and plant life because they are all entities. Does this mean all mammals, fish, birds, insects, plant life etc ect have souls?

  • asdfasdf

    hes just getting ahead of the potential schism by decreeing right now what the church would do with "people" type aliens.

    these aliens hes talking about aren't animals they're sentient...pope is in on all sorts of things, we already have evidence of aliens how did you think he was able to be so specific? but the rest of us won't find out for several decades while we're slowly dripfed images and scenarios with big nosed grays so we won't freak out.

    although since parrots could ask for baptism.... I say buy one and try it.
    for science

  • Andrea Anderson

    ... http://Googleprojectjob2014nexty11fs90il...

    ✪✪✪ ⫖✪✪✪ ✪✪✪ ✪⪖✪✪ ✪✪✪

  • asdfasdf

    quit it already, we're all aware how women can make internet money with porn in their spare time

  • James Mcelroy

    So does that mean Jesus died for all entities sins? What if the aliens have their own Jesus? I mean, do all the entities of the universe have to come here to be baptized? If I were God, I'd be like, "sorry Jesus part of self, you're going to have to do a lot of dying for sins, like at least once per planet with sentient life, sucks but there it is."

  • The Magnificent Newtboy

    Well if you believe in that sort of thing then Jesus' sacrifice was all encompassing, so they're covered too. The real question will be why god didn't make them in his image, presuming they look as exciting as they do in the movies...

  • asdfasdf

    got bored, wanted to make something cool. besides after humans fucked up he learned his lesson. (like how they wisely chose to name that zeppelin hindenburg instead of germany as initially planned, (except in omnipotent hindsight not generic caution/paranoia))

    but mostly i think the consensus now is it was the whole "soul" bit that was in his image not specifically the meat it rides around in

blog comments powered by Disqus
Previous Post
Next Post