Philippines Zoo Offers A Four 20-Foot Pythons Massage

May 26, 2014


The Cebu City Zoo in the Philippines is now offering Python massages. For a small fee, thrill-seeking visitors can lay underneath four 20-foot Burmese Pythons and freak out until zookeepers remove them. The only problems are 1) Burmese Pythons are constrictor killers, so if one manages to go for your neck while a zookeeper isn't paying attention you're a goner and 2) although they say they feed the pythons chickens before a massage, Burmese Pythons are opportunistic feeders, and will continue to eat even when they're not hungry. There is no way I would go for a massage with these guys without a sword in each hand. Oh shit, it's going for my leg! *slash slash slash* Whew. Wait...did I just-- "Cross your legs, freak out, then hack through your shin? Yes." Oh boy. So if I apply for medical insurance today, how long till I can see a doctor?

Keep going for a video demo.

Thanks to lilco, who has a strict 'warm-blooded masseuse only' policy.

  • zin

    This... would be like the biggest misunderstanding in my evil lair. This is the combination of two of my favorite things: Snakes & Massages!

    GW, freaking out when you're supposed to be having a relaxing S&M is counterproductive.

  • Sashman1234 .

    This looks like suicide. Bone-breaking suicide.

  • disqus_k2QxOV9H7Z

    I bet that many people are into this kind of stuff! Monster Musume anyone?

  • Guest

    good screengrab

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