Philippines Zoo Offers A Four 20-Foot Pythons Massage

May 26, 2014

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The Cebu City Zoo in the Philippines is now offering Python massages. For a small fee, thrill-seeking visitors can lay underneath four 20-foot Burmese Pythons and freak out until zookeepers remove them. The only problems are 1) Burmese Pythons are constrictor killers, so if one manages to go for your neck while a zookeeper isn't paying attention you're a goner and 2) although they say they feed the pythons chickens before a massage, Burmese Pythons are opportunistic feeders, and will continue to eat even when they're not hungry. There is no way I would go for a massage with these guys without a sword in each hand. Oh shit, it's going for my leg! *slash slash slash* Whew. Wait...did I just-- "Cross your legs, freak out, then hack through your shin? Yes." Oh boy. So if I apply for medical insurance today, how long till I can see a doctor?

Keep going for a video demo.

Thanks to lilco, who has a strict 'warm-blooded masseuse only' policy.

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