I Don't Trust It: Pentagon Has A Zombie Apocalypse Plan

May 19, 2014

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Because what good is accidentally causing a zombie apocalypse if you don't also have a plan to suppress it, the Pentagon has a strategy to deal with an outbreak of the undead. I do not trust it. In the event of a zombie apocalypse you should do the OPPOSITE of whatever the government tells you to. If they say stay inside, run outside. If they say run outside, board your door and windows and stay inside. If you think they have your best interest in mind you are WRONG. They are only trying to buy time to save their own asses and their rich friends. We are all worthless zombie fodder to them. *KABOOM!* That was the truth nuke I just set off.

The strategy, known as "CONPLAN 8888," is an unclassified document that lays out how the military would best respond to a potential zombie apocalypse. The plan's overall purpose is for the military to undertake operations to "preserve 'non-zombie' humans from the threats posed by a zombie horde."


CONPLAN 8888 follows a three-step approach to ensuring these goals by 1) maintaining a defensive perimeter to protect human life; 2) conducting operations that will eradicate zombie threats; and 3) aiding civil authorities in restoring law and order.

Listen: if a zombie apocalypse does happen (and it probably will at some point because this is the world we live in), it's every man for himself. I've seen enough movies and played enough video games to know how these things pan out. Why are you gonna trust the GOVERNMENT? They're probably the ones responsible for causing it in the first place. "You see what happened was, we were experimenting with a new biological weapon, and, well, you know how these things go..." Yeah, I do know how these things go. They go straight to hell in a f***ing handbasket. Here's my zombie apocalypse survival plan: grab my gun, and splatter my brains into pieces so small no zombie would even bother with them. "Jesus!" I'm kidding, I'm going to build a floating city of hot air balloons, you're just not invited.

Thanks to PYY, who agrees the government should be more concerned with developing a strategy to deal with an outbreak of deez nuts.

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