God, Those Teeth: McDonald's New Happy Meal Mascot

May 21, 2014

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Meet Happy, McDonald's new Happy Meal mascot. Happy is happy because he just devoured the souls of countless children hoping for a Pokemon toy with their meal. "You know what the new mascot needs? Googly eyes and giant dick-biting lips," I imagine some executive arguing at a marketing meeting.

According to a McDonald's release, Happy "will encourage kids to enjoy fruits, vegetables, low-fat dairy and wholesome beverages such as water or juice." The fast-food chain introduced the mascot along with the announcement of a low-fat yogurt side option.


I'm not entirely sure how Happy is going to encourage kids to eat healthy unless it involves frightening them away from McDonald's. Mom? I think I want to go to Subway. Did you guys even bother conducting any focus groups? When reached for comment, one famous musician had this to say, " Not even if it was the last box on earth." Justin Timberlake, ladies and gentlemen!

Thanks to E V I L A R E S, who is so evil he's actually the one that submitted the design to frighten children.

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