Fast Forward To The Apocalypse: Scientists Inject Cockroaches With DNA Nanobots

April 16, 2014

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Because why not accidentally create undying killer mutants, scientits (from now on that's what we're calling scientists doing things we don't approve of) recently injected cockroaches with DNA nanobots capable of unraveling themselves and delivering drugs. Wait -- drug delivery?! How much for a half ounce of hash? Ooh -- and if I order a pizza for pick-up can you grab it on your way?

The [nanobot] programs were simple logical operations that directed the DNA to unfold and release a molecule, for example, when it encountered a specific protein.


"This is the first time that biological therapy has been able to match how a computer processor works," Ido Bachelet from Bar Ilan University's Institute of Nanotechnology and Advanced Materials told New Scientist. Next, they said they plan to scale up the computing power that can be put inside a single cockroach -- enough to equal a Commodore 64.

Cockroaches have the advantage of not rejecting the tiny machines as foreign invaders like mammals do, although the team told New Scientist they are confident about making the bots stable enough to start human trials within five years.

First of all, I don't think cockroaches scurrying around with nanobots containing the processing power of Commodore 64's is a good idea. I mean, a Commodore 64 can run Spy Hunter AND Ghosts & Goblins. That is serious power. You throw a Sega Genesis in one of those f***ers and it's game over. We might as well pack up our bags and move to Mars, because Earth is the roach's now. You know what, screw it, I'm blasting off for Mars anyway. Who's coming with me?! "Let me see your spaceship first." It's right over there -- in the corner. "That's a cardboard box with 'USS SPACEPEEN' written on the side." Pretty sweet, right? Blastoff will be immediately after dinner (my mom's making spaghetti, otherwise we could leave right now).

Thanks to E V I L A R E S, who's so evil he's probably already developing a scheme to use injectable nanobots to take over the world.

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